Thursday, March 31, 2005
super tired after 2 days of induction and 2 days of orientation. But I guess I had fun. lectures start tmr but the days are quite slack. I miss u mel!!
might have lost a bit of self control during orientation... I think lots of ppl didn't expect me to be so mad. my cgl was looking at me in astonishment during the last part of the finale today. so embarrassing. aaah... but oh well... I shall go back to being reserved tmr. haha.
Friday, March 25, 2005
its easter... my head is spinning but I dun feel like sleeping. I've got so much to say but I dun know how to say it. Mel, you are God's gift to me. Ur an angel. my angel. If e ppl in hc dun see that, they must be so blind, deaf, mute, dumb... u name it and thats what they are.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
"This is courage… to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends."- Euripedes
Didn't get a call from Hc. How great a disappointment and irony it is isn't it? Felt crummy cos I felt like I let a lot of ppl down and others were saying that I deserved to go to a better school.Maybe I made a wrong decision during the first intake? Maybe I should have put in other choices?
Lay on my bed, my blanket is damp with tears. Talked to my parents, confessed that I felt like I disappointed them, cried a whole lot more. And finally after much encouragement from them, I think I've come to terms with it. God must have a purpose for putting me in sa, perhaps he wants me to focus on my spiritual walk with him, perhaps this might spur me on to continue to work hard, but I will learn to trust him and know that he knows what is best for me. Submission to God takes more courage and faith then any other thing.
[mel] thanks for putting in so much effort and showing so much support for me that day... it almost seemed like you were the one appealing and not me. thanks dear. help me thank your mum too. :) May God bless you richly.
[vank] Don't look down on urself, cos u've been a great fren, and every sms u send me is a show of ur care and concern for me and I can't tell u how thankful I am for you. You've made this transition so much easier and ur God's gift to me and the answer to my prayers. sometimes when I'm feeling down, ur the one who reminds me of how much God loves me, and you don't know how much that helps.
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."- George Iles
Monday, March 21, 2005
cough cough. down with cough and running nose. again. What's wrong with me this year? Went out with Vank and gen today. Ate at Thai Express for lunch, and for Vank that was the third time in four days? ahha. but we had fun.
Posting results coming out soon. nervous. guess I'll find out soon where I'll go.
feeling better now. He has answered my prayers!
U know what? truly in the midst of suffering can u experience God's love so much more. and in the past month, I really felt His presence. to those of you who might be facing problems, don't dispair, God will hold your hand and bring you through, and when you look back, you'll see how much He'd actually carried you.
last day of school at sajc and I'm missing it. I'm kicking myself now. Vank I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. I left you alone again. sorry!
Friday, March 18, 2005
mood was swingy again. on the bus to school kept tearing. but then later, after speaking to mel felt so much better.Thanks bf! [bestfriend... just incase u were wondering!] seriously, meeting with 4/6 is therapeutic.
I smiled before u turned ur back toward me, but strangely I started hurting. now, I've reflected, and much of the pain is self inflicted. It's all abt Me being selfish. So what if I wasn't the top piority in ur life? Its not like u were top priority in mine. that's one problem solved. and God has really made everything out to be fitting. suddenly all that has happened makes sense. I finally know the answer now. Wait. I will wait, and in due time, I believe He has a greater plan for me.
mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel
ur still my fairy God mother. understanding and protective. If I ever forget u... I hereby give u permission to hang me upside down from the ceiling. Love ya!
Thursday, March 17, 2005
have you ever got the feeling when u just want to break down and cry? not just cry, but really sob... lean into the arms of a true friend and sob? I wish I could. I really do. Not sure why, but I'm in desperate need to cry now. What happened to all the positiveness? How come it doesn't work anymore? I keep telling myself that God has answered my prayer... everything will be fine but how come all I want to be is selfish, think only for myself and make myself feel even worse?
I'm just a piece of glass pretending to be plastic. That's what I am. People think I'm strong, people think Im the happiest person on earth. But I break... and I crumble. I'm human. with uncountable weaknesses. Its strange how when one bad thing comes into ur life, other negativities suddenly come pouring in, flooding ur head, and all u want to do is just crumble. And suddenly, ur alone. I've never felt so alone before... who can I tell? who will understand? Then this makes me think back on all those ppl who have shared their problems with me. I know they are hurting inside. Do they feel alone? Did I really help to make that difference? Did I even help to take away the pain? I want so much too... but now I understand that maybe all I did was maybe nothing. maybe all I did was judge them.
my heart cries out. I'm reaching out.u promised to my hand. only you can heal me. my light in the darkness. my strength.myhope.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
GB was on sat instead cos on fri the girls had learning journey. Then after GB I found out that there was JRO. so I went for JRO instead of C4.
was visiting a old malay lady's house when ms ling's group came as well. Then ms ling told me of an idea she had. She just came from another malay family's house and she started to share. The malay lady there has a 4 year old son and her husband has mixed with bad company and the malay lady is worried that her son will get influenced by these vices. Because of that, she has become open to letting her son go to church. So ms ling thought ok setting up a play group on sundays from abt 1.30-3 for the children living in this area and hopefully to spread God's love to them. The problem would be getting the manpowered needed for this, and this is a long term commitment.
God has opened this woman's heart, how can we not do anything about it? Is this a calling for me? It can't be so coincidental that they suddenly roped me in to be in c4 so I don't need to attend pathfinders. I wouldn't have been free during the time period if I was in pathfinders, but now I am. Lord, are you trying to tell me something? Show me the way.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Last day of the term, so it was a half day. ended school at 11.45. haha.we spent the last half hour of the day taking pictures. LJ wanted to take a picture of him kicking me. so when he pretended to kick me, I pulled off his shoe and threw it onto the track.then Vank ran to take his shoe and threw it into the bushes. haha. poor LJ.
Vank and I spent the afternoon together, eating slacking, gg to the library to borrow books. Met L at the library. she looks the same though prettier. she's in ac now. Seems like lots of ppl I know are in acjc.Then we went to mel's place, she was busy so we helped ourselves to her bed and sprawled all over it, slept for an hour plus. Vank and I went a bit high, kept laughing over the smallest things.
wonder when we can do this again. with you ppl. as we grow older, each day we are exposed to a little more abt the reality of this life. no more just black and white, just shades of grey. nothing is absolute. where do we stand in this zone? How can we be a light in this thick mist of dirty grey where nothing seems wrong, or right? Holding on to God's word, some might say. but I keep sliding back. I failed once again. I cry out to the living God to keep me, to forgive.relight that passion for him again but I'm so ashamed. so ashamed.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
A series of Mischievous events
my whole class ponned Chem lecture today, so we all sat in the cafe, talking, playing scrabble and taking pictures. was feeling a little sleepy, was probably the cough mixture acting up, so there I was, lying on the canteen table, not talking to anyone, not bothering anyone. When suddenly this little five cent coin comes and hits me.. and falls off the table. I look up. LJ and J acting all innocent. I bent down to pick up that five cent. another five cent comes shooting in my direction and off the table. Soon, I rain of five cents came, each one aimmed at me (like what did I do right?!?) Patiently... I picked up each five cent and kept it... Then when I collected about 45cents worth of 5 cents, I threw them one by one back at LJ. some hit him on the head la, and he claims that those made a sound when it hit his head. LJ retaliated and threw the coins back at me. and so it should happen that one coin fell down my shirt and into my bra. was so irritated and a little embarrassed. luckily the coin came out ok? cos I was looking down my shirt in front of so many ppl and untucking my shirt and tucking my shirt back. and all this time LJ was laughing like a maniac. so I walked up to him, took off my shoe and started hitting him.ok so much for childish behaviour and I do feel a little bad about it ok? oh well... but it might be last week at SA so ah well... I shall try to make the best out of it.
later during bio lect. LJ has this habit of putting his foot on the armrest of the chair infront of him, so I took my pen and I drew a line on his shoes. haha. then I felt bad again so I took out my blanko and told him I'll help him liquid it off. but I think they thought it was a joke so they started laughing and LJ just rubbed it off with his hand and said nvm its ok. haha. man... I'm so evil right? I should be a nicer person.
During one of the breaks, after eating, HL and G went to return their plates, so HL passed her purse to me to watch over it. But when she came back, I refused to give it back to her and I went around saying that I was happy cos I was richer now. haha. just playing around. Then we had to go for chinese class so I chucked my wallet and her pouch into my bag. haha After school, I stayed back for SFC, and I discovered that I forgot to return her the pouch. And she was at the science centre, at the meet the Scientist session with no money. lucky she keeps her easy link in another place. oh man! I felt sooo... so bad... I never meant to take her purse for so long. I'm so so so evil... haha.
First, I'm on the verge of losing my voice. second, I have an essay to write on The Greatest Influence in my Life. Third, I was a major klutz today, almost tripped on the stairs in LT1. Fourth, while I was with Vank and Jing hui in the canteen, a bird flew past... and it just had to let go while flying past above me.SPLAT! so I had droppings on my arm, sleeve and shirt... laughed it off by saying it was God's humour and that at least its organic matter so the stain can be washed off... talk abt having a long day...
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Who am I?
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
To God be all glory forever and ever because His love is great and unchanging.
Friday, March 04, 2005
|Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male|
Your brain leans female
You think with your heart, not your head
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Og outing today. Ate at pastamania, again. haha. after all that discussion of wanting to go to some fancy restaurant. haha but I guess none of us have the financial ability to do so. After eating, we watched Hitch. its hilarious. The jokes are not the usual cliches, and Will Smith does a great job. After the movie, the girls went to jalan at far east. Gen, Huiling, Wei wei and I gave up after a while, so we sat at Gelare and ate ice cream. haha...
the hot topic for this week will probably be results and which school to apply to. people say you never really know how good something is until you lose it. and suddenly, I'm really sad to leave Sa. to leave the people, the uniform. :D hey.. you can't deny that SA does have the best uniform out of all the jcs. just that day I was walking around Hc with ally.. and we sat at the stand near the track. I thought about SA's track. Its not as nice as hc's track, infact, its dirty, pieces of it are falling out and there are cracks everywhere, but I missed it. or rather, missed SA.
I really don't know what the future holds. but I trust you Lord. I'm weak. I fear the unknown. I fear leaving my comfort zone. but if it means learning to place my security in you alone, you take my hand and bring me through it all.
The server for the JAE registration is so slow. it has been stagnant for 45 minutes. I think I will wake up tomorrow to do it. Give me some more time to think about which school to choose. haha. crashed hcjc today. ppl there don't seem as friendly as the ppl in sajc but the teachers and notes are definitely better. Don't sure if I will be able to catch up if I go to hc or rj. shall borrow notes from janet and mel and try to catch up.
life is a confusing mess. when will we be released from our chains? Betrayed by the very things that can make you feel like you're on the top of the world. Feelings. Feelings. how exactly do we get those? can it be controlled? can it be subdued? more then often, emotions get the better of us. heart or mind? both are equally dangerous. both are indecisive. They hardly see eye to eye, hardly ever come to a common agreement. mess. Life is a mess.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
mel stayed over again for another night. so after a night of dvds, we went out again! this time to jurong point haha... if only we could live like that everyday... the life of idleness hasn't been so tempting before.
ask me who the greatest man on earth is. I'll say its my daddy! got home today and saw a beautiful bouquet of blue roses and roches on my desk. opened the card and it was from my dad. and he's not even in singapore! sent him an sms to thank him and this is what he replied:
"You are welcome. that's the least I can do since I cannot be in s'pore to give u hugs and kisses. Btw, please walk thru the thought process of ur JC selection with Mom. My input, social norms and prejudice still exist its count in later years when looking for Career that society tend to pick candidates based on school repute. So I think u need to challenge urself to get out of comfort zone and start early to leverage off ur good grades. God gave u the grades to equip u to take harder challenges. Don't waste his gifts. said a lot. Decision is urs to make."
my dad. he has this uncanny ability to understand. He might not always be around, he might not always remember when my birthday is, but he definitely knows how to provide for us. He knows exactly what will make us smile. He knows when to let go and when to pull the reins. and its not just provision of material needs... the bouquet doesn't matter... its the fact that he knows what makes people smile, that he is constantly thinking abt u even when he is miles away.