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Wednesday, May 25, 2005
got into council. And having second thoughts about it, why? I don't know? maybe Im scared of the challenges that will be staring at me in the face in the near future. maybe Im scared of not meeting up to other people's expectations. maybe Im just tired. whatever the case, can't back out now. Im doing my self psychoing again. I could pass the next year grumpy, unsatisfied, terrified, and tiring myself out, with nothing accomplished. or I could put in my heart and soul, trust in Him that everything will work out, have a good attitude about it, and maybe I'll still be tired, but at least I know I did well.

I really admire a person I know. There's nothing wrong with being afraid of pain. everybody is, Jesus was. he is. but what determines the weak from the strong, is the ability to put urself willingly through training and suffering despite all the sacrifices. blisters on his hands are proof of how hard he's worked, but it doesn't discourage him, it spurs him to press on. He hates running, but does it because it teaches him to persevere on. how many people can do that?

Heard a story during morning worship today.

can't remember the whole thing exactly, but the gist of it is this:
A lady noticed a silversmith sitting by the furnace. so she went over and asked the silversmith whether he really had to sit there in order to refine the silver.
The silversmith replied: "yes of course, I sit and keep watch over the silver in the furnace because if the silver is left for even a second too long, it will get injured."
the lady thanked the silversmith and turned to walk away,
but the silversmith called out to her and said," oh I almost forgot to tell you. The best way to know when the silver is pure is when I can see my reflection in it."

God is the silversmith. He subjects all of us to the furnace for refining and purifying.
But, he always has his eye on us, he is always watching over us, he will put us through suffering, pain, trials, but he will never allow the fire to destroy us.

can we rise up to the challenge to allow God to purify us so that we can be a reflection of his love?
11:11 PM;

Friday, May 13, 2005
this was a tiring week. as usual. but today, a group of us went to watch tennis and cricket match. Fun. We stood at the map at Farrer Park mrt station for 20min, arguing about which direction to go to get to the tennis courts. haha. After the prize presentation for cricket, we waited for kenneth to go change so we could all go out for dinner. so abas and later kenneth taught me how to hit the cricket ball with the bat. haha. missed the first two balls that kenneth threw for me, but I hit the third one and sent the ball straight into his chest. haha. ops. sorry kenneth. You can keep the deep heat rub... courtesy of jean kwek. haha. sorry. sorry. then we all went for dinner at lido, and took neos. quite fun.

my heart aches. I've been a bad friend. sorry dear. Im sorry I can't answer your questions, Im sorry I can't heal you, Im sorry that I even have to say sorry. let's meet up someday ok? miss those days.
11:50 PM;

Sunday, May 08, 2005
when I was 8 yrs old, my aunty came to visit from US, that night on the day she arrived, I was allowed to sleep over with her. I remember running to my mum telling her that I was so happy that aunty tucked me in to bed and came to check on me during the night.

Almost 10 years down the road, My mum still remembers the event. And I only found out because somebody told me. She still remembers the little girl who was so thrilled that her aunty tucked her in and helped to cover her blanket during the night, but forgot that her own mother does it every night. After so long, she still remembers it as clearly as if it happened just yesterday, exactly how much hurt did I cause her when those words came out of my mouth? I never knew....

Im feeling a deep sense of guilt. I never did tell her how much I appreciated her. I work harder at trying to make a friendship go well then trying to please her and to tell her that she's precious to me, but why are words so hard in coming when you really need them?
8:25 PM;

Saturday, May 07, 2005
As I get older, the realities of life become clearer. Things truly aren't what they are at surface level, there's always another side below the depths. Like a crocodile below the surface of murky water. When someone told me that she was struggling with christianity and thinking of falling away, I was terrified, shocked, hurt, I just didn't understand. but now I see why. How some ppl can have christ and God rolling off their tongues, lift their hands during worship, close their eyes, filled with emotion for God but yet hurt others so much by the things they say. or to put it simply, start bitching about others. aren't they judging ppl, but Im I judging them the same way they do to ppl?

God is opening my eyes to how fake the world can get. That I can't trust whatever I see on the surface. And I get so angry. Self righteous christians who tarnish the name of God. In the past it was all head knowledge to live as examples for God. Now I see the true importance of it. How many people have turned away because of the actions of these self-claimed christians?It really hurts. I don't want to be a self-claimed christian but this really makes me wonder if I sometimes do that? Do I? Im so afraid. Have I ever done something that has caused others to sin? Have I ever said bad things in anger about somebody?

I know and Im sure it is You whom I believe in and I know that you are real, help me live a life for you. Give me courage to stand up for you, to do what you will be pleased with.

I miss all of you so much, you people were never selfish, never guarding knowledge for urself, we were one big family, we all worked hard together, our hope was for all of us to do well not individual achievement, we spured each other on, some ran ahead, but they always turned back to encourage those behind them along. now I realise how much I took for granted. My eyes have been opened, I used to think that it took me too long to trust others, well maybe I don't,I trust too easily. how many times have I been hurt this year because of my naivity, because I take people for what they are at the surface level?

I look at little children and envy them. The love they show is pure love, no pretences, no regrets. When they love someone, they love them with all their heart and soul. Innocence. How precious a gift. I want to love like they do, but its getting more and more difficult. My heart is broken... crushed by this life.

When we love, it is not guaranteed that we will be loved in return, but God continues to love us and in his strength we can do the same. Im claiming this promise Lord. God is indeed great to be able to love sinners like us. people who have betrayed, disobeyed, bitched, hurt, refused to acknowledge him, and he loves us with unending love.
1:38 PM;

Monday, May 02, 2005
getting my piorities all wrong. let's see now... its supposed to be God, Family and friends, Studies, CCA. right. focus. focus. I can't seem to concentrate these past weeks. When I take out my notes and books the words just become a blur and my mind goes floating to outerspace. I need to focus. Pray for discipline and focus. commitment to the things that Im suppose to do.

Told a few lies this week. to put it harshly, I was being a big hypocrite this week.

what's becoming of me? what happened to keeping God's word? why Im I so unfocused?

help. Im falling.

Lord you catch me when Im falling,
And you told me who I am,
I am Yours.
11:41 PM;

16th Oct
St. Margs
Middle Child
loves God
A mess

Just like Heaven
Pride and Prejudice
Perhaps Love
King Kong
Chronicles of narnia
Wallace and Gromit
The Family Stone
Memoirs of a Geisha
In her shoes
walk the line
brokeback mountain
I not stupid too
The Constant gardener
Nanny McPhee
Yours, mine and ours
V for Vendetta
Inside Man
Ice Age 2
Tristan and Isolde
Take the lead
Over the Hedge
X-men: The last stand
She's The Man
Just my Luck
The King And His Clown
Lady in The Water
Sympathy for Lady Vengeance
Hard Candy

bui eh
gen ah soh
pei yu
31st gb

`Learn how to cycle `go out! `off-shoulder top `belt


The past.