Monday, June 13, 2005
my greatest weakness is not wanting others to see my weaknesses.
One of the hardest camp I've ever attended, and we survived!
Despite all the pumping we got, the seeds we had to pick up, and the 12 hour walk, at the end of the day, I think we all had fun, and we bonded quite well. But then again, I have a feeling that once the exco list is out, the politics will begin, then we'll see if we are truly bonded as the 28th.
This camp has also made me realise how weak I am. So much weakness, so many times I wanted to give up, I wanted to be bitter, I wanted to lie to get out of doing something. and then He spoke to me, and at the most ackward time. While we were doing push ups, I was close to breaking down, but I heard Him telling me that I needn't be afraid, that my strength is from Him. People say mind over matter, while others rely on their mental strength to get them through trials and tough times, I know that I have God to rely on. And that is just so comforting, because then you know that you are never alone and you don't only have to depend on yourself.
Girls Brigade camp
haha... now I know why mk says that our girls are quite colourless. haha. I think they just lack experience that's all. they'll get better. :) but anyway... that's not what I want to talk about. Charmaine and I had time to catch up with one another, sharing about our insecurities of being officers, what we're going to do in the future. haha. after not seeing her for so long, I kind of miss the little things that Charm does. her hyenatic laughter, the blur expressions that she gives to me when I talk about some things, her wanting to hug everybody but me. :( haha..
Can't say that everything was smooth when we were working together, because of my selfishness and insecurity, unfortunately, there were certain issues that surfaced. but now I realise, that charm is one understanding person, to be able to support me all this way. The same way how she can't see herself in GB without me, I can't see myself in gb without her. It just doesn't seem right. Although, this is not what I told her. I told her that she'll make a great officer, even if I wasn't around, because the talent and qualities are in her. but you know, how some things just don't seem right, if she's not around. and I guess its the same for her?
Just next to you
Thank you eunice, for that song... its really very sweet of you. Love ya... first time somebody write song for me...
New thoughts . . .
just some new stuff that I found out about myself.
An introvert, will always be an introvert. I thought I was better, I reallly did, but no. I still find it so difficult to express how I feel, to tell people that I appreciate them and love them. I don't know why? I'll be thinking of all these things to say to a person, and finally when I get the chance to, the words just don't come out. even to my best friends... Im not sociable like others, I can't strike a conversation from out of thin air, I end up keeping quiet, and keeping things to myself, or not knowing what to say. It's so frustrating.
I don't know myself enough. I don't know what I want, who I am, what I like, what I don't like. can anyone be more screwed than me? Im not thinking, its as if my mind has shut down or something, I can't infer into things, I take things on surface level, I think the whole world is nice and there is some good point in everyone except me. somebody tell me why Im feeling this way?
It's fine if I can't read myself, but why can't I even read others? how to reach out to them if I can't even sense how they are feeling? Im such a selfish pig. count the number of times I used the word I in this blog entry. I don't have my own style, I copy others'. maybe the one who is truly colourless is me.
Who is the real me?
Where is the real me?