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Thursday, July 28, 2005
what would you do, if one day I left,
vanished, even before we said goodbye?
Would your soul drown in anguish?
Would tears come to your eyes?
Would it not affect you at all?


Just thinking about what it would be like if I died. before you guys start panicking and wondering whether Im turning psychotic, don't worry Im fine. It's just one of those things you do when you're supposed to do work but too tired to do it and you're mind gets impatient and you start wondering about strange things.


I guess, if I did die, ppl will attend my funeral. at the funeral, people will recall stuff about me and start getting all worked up and sad. the thing I don't get, is that, I won't be there to hear it. Funny how we only appreciate people after they leave us forever? which led me to move on the think about what my funeral will be like.


bright colours, white, blue, yellow, red. shades. Not just dull black.
what use is it if people talk about about me? I think it would be more meaningful if people started appreciating people around them better. so, wouldn't it be more appropriate to have each person say something nice about another person instead? encouragement goes a long long way. and its much more value added when said to a person who is alive and kicking, rather than a dead person right?


who knows when and where you will go? better is one day in Your courts than thousands else where.
8:19 PM;

Saturday, July 23, 2005
what can I say, yesterday was such a therapeutic session. hope its not just me feeling that way. Man.. wish I could just turn back time. Its so comfortable in st margs. everything just fits. but anyways, yesterday was st. margs 163 speech day! and half the prize winners were from 4/6!!! haha. or at least I like to think so. :D Was so proud of you guys... did you hear me screamin?! why do they always put me so far away from the rest of u guys. I screamed until everybody else around me was giving me funny looks. AAaaaaaaaaaaaAAAaH I love 4/6.

did I tell you that Mdm Yow made me change my socks. haha! walked into the staff room to practice speech with mrs seet, she saw me and scolded me for not wearing socks. then she gave me her pair of socks and told me to wear over my ankle socks. like?!! so I tried to get out of it by telling her that I'll wear it later, but she said no and made me wear it in front of her. haha! who ever heard of a graduate wearing two pairs of socks just to go on stage? sigh.

Mel, I screamed to loudest for you! and you still didn't hear me. sobs.

Janet, I clapped the loudest for you!

gen, I never really saw a hammy go on stage before, so I was kind of stunned when you walked up. :D

Bev, I smiled to most, literally ear to ear for you. plus claps of course.

JP, I laughed the loudest for you. heh. you'll always be my chio bu and fav class monitress.

just so to let you know, e description of me was a tad exaggerated, ok. very exaggerated. when I heard the thing on stage those nearby would have seen my face screwed up. You know the apprehensive and one eye brow up-huh? expression. I guess many people just gave me the opportunity to participate in many things. Thanks to everybody who has crossed my path, may God bless you so you will be able to cross the paths of many others.

dance performance. hmm... the dances have gotten more... abstract these few months eh? what abt fallen angels. er. ok. whatever. disapprove. If being abstract means dancing like that, can we stick to traditional dance forms please? cha cha (even with the chilli cha cha song) is better. one thing really impressed me though! did anybody notice the chinese girl in indian dance?! I was so amused! that girl really has some spunk! and she can shake quite well too. round of applause for her.

T went to the speech day, and left without saying anything. prolly cos I told T not to come so T was scared that I will be angry. would I have gotten angry, nope I don't think so. waiting for T to tell me that she was actually there. I mean, come on, since ur there might as well come and say hi right? and why hide it from me? its just being plain silly. T's either totally obedient, or totally rigid. or Im I not seeing something I should? argh. can't be bothered.

I love the gift!!! its's so lovely, a bit hard to carry, but man... you guys esp mel, thanks for taking time off busy schedules to do it. love you!!!! haha. after the event and lots of phototaking, we trooped of to macs, though we had to run back and forth and the junction to pick up photos from the gift, it was fun. it was like one mass scandel session at macs. woo... haha. not telling you. must protect the identidy of the scandees. but it was really fun! woo! haha. came back feeling so high I even went online! in soooo... long.
9:30 AM;

Monday, July 04, 2005
Third term has barely begun and Im beginning to feel the pressure building up. my first Bio spa is tomorrow, my chinese orals is on wednesday and I have commendation practice everyday until 8. I really can't wait till jc is over. I can't wait to stretch out my wings to fly. to get out of here.


I get afraid when I hear about people's expectations for me. so afraid that sometimes, it makes me hide away to one corner, and subconciously I tell myself that I can't do it. Its a mixed feeling. What Van said is right, its my fault, I raised that bar myself. and I shouldn't be afraid because I was just being myself in the past, so if Im myself now, I won't let ppl down. but yet, there's still this strong sinking feeling in my heart. Im not me anymore, the enthusiastic, confident,self-motivated me is gone. and no matter how hard I try I can't bring her back. I hide away afraid to show my weaknesses, instead of facing up to them. why? I keep thinking, you know the parable of the talents, is it cos of my initial thoughts of slacking and not reaching out for positions and power, that God is taking away what I already had? because Im not using the talents that he has given me? Im so confused.


I know that others will be looking at me, judging my every move,criticising every mistake I make? why do people think so highly of me? the truth is Im not. and when I tell them Im not nobody believes me and when I disappoint them, finally their impression changes. I can't bear to disappoint anybody else. Once during posting is enough, I had enough.


Just be myself. just rely on God.


keep close to Him and things will work itself out. Just like it always had.
11:06 PM;

WALK IN FAITH.
Jean
16th Oct
St. Margs
Sajc
Middle Child
loves God
A mess


HAVE HOPE.
Just like Heaven
Pride and Prejudice
Perhaps Love
King Kong
Chronicles of narnia
Wallace and Gromit
The Family Stone
Memoirs of a Geisha
Spanglish
In her shoes
walk the line
brokeback mountain
Casanova
I not stupid too
The Constant gardener
Nanny McPhee
Munich
Yours, mine and ours
V for Vendetta
Inside Man
Ice Age 2
Tristan and Isolde
Take the lead
Over the Hedge
M:I:3
L'enfant
X-men: The last stand
She's The Man
Superman
Rent
Just my Luck
cars
The King And His Clown
Lady in The Water
Sympathy for Lady Vengeance
Hard Candy


LOVE.
alicia
bertram
bui eh
eunice
fawn
gen ah soh
jan
jie
Maikaitan
pei yu
priscilla
ren
rong
salina
31st gb
4/6


faith.hope.love

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