It's not easy to be me

library ettiquette

2006-12-14T14:27:00.000+08:00

hahah!
(aini and Snowstorm) yup its kind of hilarious! and guess what.. I managed to read your tags due to some weird chance?! cranky comp. Still cant solve the problem. Thanks for your help though. :D I appreciate the emails. :))

in the midst of exams, and dying. you know people say that jc is the worst time of your life, its the hardest you'll ever work and stuff. but people here don't agree leh. sigh. guess just not used to consistent work.

but anyways... Econs and Anthro are finally over. Chem and Math to go!! :)

Studying for Econs was quite fun, cos we all went to the undergrad library ( aka UGLI) to mug econs and alas it was time for dinner and our tummies started rumbling. So I went to lucky kitchen, which is some chinese take out place to ta bao stuff for everybody. Then I sneaked it up to the library. hahah! it was the ultimate breaching of library ettiquette la. And the best thing was that after everybody saw us eating, all the food started coming out. hahahah...
And the librarian even walked past our table and we were like... shoot. all stunned. but he also never say anything. hahha. quite funny. We were damn scared that he will like go down and call security to remove us or something. so we ate as fast as possible to try to "get rid of evidence" and we opened the first fortuen cookie, and guess what it said?
"You will soon be the centre of attention."
HOW ominous and apt is that???
we just burst out laughing.
More breaching of library ettiquette.
:D

hey guys!

2006-11-17T15:34:00.000+08:00

First things first...
ANNOUNCEMENTS: (was very tempted to say good morning saints, this is jean, announcements for today.. haha)
I CAN'T READ MY TAGBOARD!! SO I CANT REPLY/READ UR TAGS! IF ANYBODY KNOWS HOW TO FIX THE PROBLEM PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

I went to watch The Prestige that day, really good movie to watch... screws with you mind. Felt super freaked out after the movie. Almost like a horror movie. ok la.. maybe I have a low threshold for such things.. but I really think its worth watching. I shan't spoil the show for you.. GO WATCH IT! FREAKY... how much are you willing to sacrifice to achieve whatever you want? Who will you hurt along the way?

JIA YOU FOR As!! I know there are a few papers left. HAng in there...!

fall break

2006-10-22T15:02:00.000+08:00

Im finally blogging after such a long time. I think this event in my life deserves a entry.

Fall Break-Chicago.
I left for Chicago with a group of friends on the 14th. We left in two cars and here's a picture of one of the cars:

The reliable Chevvy!
Its really small and tiny and once you hit a speed of 60mph you feel as if you're taking off... but... don't judge it by its size ok? It's super reliable. Lasted us all the way from ann arbor to chicago and back.

Chicago is a big city, the architecture is really pretty, it feels like a scene from batman or something. Majestic, old buildings, bridges over blue rivers. really really pretty.

On the first day, we went to navy pier and china town. Navy pier itself was alright, but the view was beautiful. We ate dinner at a restaurant called Penang at Chinatown. The boss is so obviously Malaysian, he speaks with the malaysian "qiang". Dinner was super good and we finally had nicely cooked rice! not rice that is half cooked and icky.

Day two: Shedd's aquarium.

The view from shedd's aquarium:

Super nice right? The chicago skyline and the waters are not from the sea, its from lake michigan so its like blue and clear.
I didn't really take a lot of pictures inside the aquarium, cannot use flash and my camera is useless without flash because I have unsteady hands so.. if you can imagine a cross between sentosa and a fish pet shop. yup. Displays of fish, reef displays. The only thing different was the underground observatory where you can see dolphins and beluga whales swimming around.

You know... considering the size of the beluga whales.. their enclosure is a hell lot smaller than the dolphins. Discrimination just because the dolphins look cuter. tsk tsk tsk.
After the aquarium we went to eat at the cheesecake factory, and then we split up. Some of us went to watch a play and the others went to the University of Chicago. The play was called Sheer Madness. It was pretty interesting, the plot's something like cluedo. So someone gets murdered in a barber shop and everybody's a suspect. The audience has to ask questions and come to a conclusion about who they think the murderer is and the actors will act according. So its kind of interactive and spontaneous. Interesting concept because every show is going to be different. Later...They surprised me with ice cream and balloons when we got back to the hotel! Thanks guys!

Day 3: Factory Outlet.
Went shopping at the factory outlet. Well there's nothing special about the factory outlet la. all factory outlets are almost the same. anyways.. on the ride back, something happened: I guess its not something that I wanted it to happen. but now that it did, I think there were a lot of other things that didn't happen that Im so thankful for. God was really watching out for us that day, we were this close to perhaps losing somebody.

so we had to stay an extra night in chicago at the red roof inn, it wasn't too bad, got to catch up on sleep there except that the beds there are lousy! and I woke up with a neck ache. I guess for this trip, it was really tiring on the guys, they had to drive, plan the programme, and settle all the paperwork. The girls.. we did contribute also ok? we helped to keep the guys awake when they were driving. :) Fall break was definitely quite an experience for us all.

annarbor

2006-08-29T14:09:00.000+08:00

first blog entry since I left for ann arbor!
The weather today was crummy, it was raining the whole day and I didn't bring an umbrella. So the temperature is also dropping quite significantly day by day. But the locals here are still wearing sleeveless shirts and stuff. pei fu pei fu.

I have to start registering for classes soon... but Im quite scared that I won't be able to get into the classes that I want. The system is really stupid. Firstly, you have to meet with an advisor to discuss about certain stuff. Then you have to meet with someone called a peer advisor and do a online selection of the courses, but this still doesn't guarantee you a space in the class. Then after all this is done.. finally you can meet with the advisor again to registor. And my slot for the registering is like super late la. quite scared.

got locked out of my dorm today. feel quite dumb. so now I only have one more free pass before I have to pay to get into my room if I get locked out again. sigh.
I took a few photos of the campus and room. will upload it some other time..
its kind of late now...

text book hunting

2006-08-17T18:01:00.000+08:00

Jan taught me how to do a bit of pilates today.

Super painful.

her facial expression when she does pilates is super funny.

Should have recorded it. :(

tried to go find my uni textbooks today.

Don't have.

Got a chance to use the nus feeder bus service.

The lady said get on the A2 and after the bus turns a left, stop at the second bus stop.

We sat and waited for the bus to turn left, we never even see any bus stops. then the bus stopped at some hostel and the uncle said, "No more!"

We got on and off along the same bus route like 3 times before finding the bookshop. sigh.

Then in the end, still don't have.

surprise!

2006-08-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

VANK, MEL, JANET, GEN CHAN, JOAN, IAN,KENNETH,SEETO, SAM, JOEL, JIAM, LOKE, GEN, BRY, MAY, ALFRED, JINGX, CHERYL, SHERLYNN, PYU, RONG, REN, CALEB, SEBAS, BALDWIN!

SURPRISE!!!!!

THANKS FOR THAT WONDERFUL WONDERFUL EVENING!
Oh ya, to all those who appeared in that video, and gave me those words of encouragment,Thanks!!!

someone in the newspaper said today, It's difficult writing opinions on a blog, because when you make an opinion or take a position on something, you risk being wrong, and being wrong is painful. I guess this explains how I felt when I first started this blog. After so many years of trying to overcome the fear of making mistakes, I still dread the feeling. I don't know why?

1 and a half more weeks to go.

replies to tags

2006-08-07T00:23:00.000+08:00

there is something wrong with my lap top, can see the tag board, but can't reply, cos that part of the tag board is missing. so Im replying here..

To Buieh, haha! so funny. EH! must meet up ok?

To mello, really? oh no. does it really mean that?

To mei gui ren de pen you, hahaha! I think so too.. pretty rose!

cinnamon rolls...

2006-08-06T23:40:00.000+08:00

Made a second attempt at making cinnamon rolls and this is worst than the first attempt. The dough is still uncooked and I seriously think that the yeast I used is denatured by time. ok.. and maybe I took it out of the oven too early. I'm going to get NEW yeast and I'm going to make a third attempt. Hope it works.

I'm going to work on tues and thurs! at an events management company. Don't know what to expect... hmm, probably will be given simple stuff to do I guess, judging from hours and number of days.

I've been reading through the chem syllabus and math syllabus... maybe I should go and read up on some of my work. ahha.

FOP- The line for FOP this year was significantly shorter than the line last year. I think its getting more and more commercial though. It was quite funny how the speaker would say his message, talk about his book, then they would flash the book on the big screens (including the price). I understand that the money will probably go to good use, and God's people need to be provided for as well, but I thought the marketing went a little overboard.

Sentosa Outing- The seniors organised a freshmen outing to sentosa in the morning, so I went. It's strange how I always wanted a chance to be put into a new environment so I could completely start over. Be a new person totally and stuff. but yet, when I am in that situation, I just can't push myself beyond that comfort zone. haha. maybe a leopard really can't change its spots.

2006-08-03T20:49:00.000+08:00

random thoughts

2006-07-25T21:23:00.000+08:00

A month left. Im I ready? I don't know. I guess I'll never be ready until Im in it. weeks of struggling and asking myself what exactly it is I want to do with my life.

For goodness sakes, you are going to uni and you still have no idea what you are going to do?

How indecisive.

How lazy, why don't you go start thinking?

I don't know, I don't know what He wants me to do. How will I know?

show me.

went to school today, a host of familiar faces. People whom I've missed.. so much, in fact I didn't know how much i've missed them until I saw them again today. Have you ever got an aching feeling when you part and say goodbye? I felt it for the first time today.

daddy

2006-07-19T00:34:00.000+08:00

had a good chat with my daddy today. Basically, he made me feel at ease about certain things that has been bugging me for quite some time. It's strange how he isn't exactly the person whom I spend the most time with, but he can certainly read me rather well. I mean, sure there are times were he gets stuff wrong, but most of the time he's pretty accurate. maybe its a dad and daughter thing.

last day of school

2006-07-19T00:16:00.000+08:00

didn't really get the chance to talk to a lot of ppl on my official last day of school. Everybody was running abt preparing for commendation.

Im sorry py.. made you cry. Must be strong and cannot lose your motivation ok? cannot let boobys low down. and also because... I am always there for you. If you need someone to study with you.. Im very free now! Remember we're supposed to get the bag?! Im relying on ur sense of style to get a nice nice bag. :))

There is a big hole in my pocket now, because I've been taking a lot of cabs lately. haha. After commendation lunch, went down to yishun sports hall to support V in her r gym competition. It's really nice watching her after so long. Im going to miss that. After gym competition, cheong down to council chalet. haha. but it was more like a gambling den. Mahjong through the night. I learnt to play a bit! but I didn't gamble la. a group of us formed the beginners cum non gambling table. After a while, S, D, Jx, I, R and I went to the beach. Then we sat there at the breakwaters until sunrise, although the sunrise was a little marred by the smoke from a fire from a shipyard nearby. According to K, he said the fire started around 12 and when we were sitting there at 6 plus, it was still smoking! how serious is that? and I thought the fire in my room was bad.

tomorrow my group is having a pre orientation informal meeting at marche suntec. eep. wish me luck.

I MISS EVERYBODY SO SO SO SO MUCH!

updates

2006-07-10T01:01:00.000+08:00

okay! update for these few days. haha.. be prepared for a very choppy entry.

C came back on friday! hee :) she's really quite the same... still burping after meals and laughing at her own jokes. haha! stayed over at m's house that evening. it's really nice to see her again! and she's a doctor to be! It gets quite exciting thinking about what we'll all be in a few years time. J's going to be a career woman and have lots of kids so her kids can play soccer with
S's kids. M's going to find her witty, musically talented (w nice fingers of course) guy, C's going to be a doctor. so fast.

the projector at church died on me again. sigh.
How have you experienced God's grace?
I guess the fact that somehow, God chose you to be his child. of course, you had to make the choice also, but even before you were born, he knew. Are you willing to let Him show you how special you are? Can you imagine how much love He has for you? it's like saying, "I love you so much, I'd rather die than to see you suffer for all eternity." would you suffer in the place of friend? possibly. would you suffer in the place of ur worse enemy? someone who has stuck a knife in your back? probably not. that's what He has done for you.

finally had the long overdue prata outing. YAY! haha.

tt day i was looking at photos tt jm brought. sorry dear didn't ask for your permission before looking. I found the first photo that the exco took together during commendation lunch. I have no idea why, but looking at it just made me want to cry. seeing how much we've all grown and overcome all the misunderstandings and obstacles to bond together. (thanks to LTC) although it was kind of late, but Im thankful that at least we managed to do it. :) I love you guys!

hmm. a lot of ppl have been asking me why I've chosen to go overseas now and not after As. one reason is cause it's to save some time, because I'll be going after As anyway, so if I have a placing now, why not? another reason, I think that upon looking back, my time in jc was really God-given. God gave me this extra year to grow up, become slightly more independent. (but I wouldn't say that Im already very independent), to discover myself more. If I were to go immediately after Os I wouldn't have been ready. so I would say that my time in JC has not been wasted.

roar

2006-07-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

sigh. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. sorry. just felt like doing that. haha.

HAD FUN TODAY! :)) BADMINTON!
was trashed by K, even though he gave me a 10 point head start. haha. how pathetic is that? haha. I have two left hands ok? :))

The king and his clown

2006-06-29T22:59:00.000+08:00

hey mel, bev, I just did the emode test again for which type of guy Im looking for. I don't think the results are very accurate because I felt that my answers were kind of conflicting. Anyways, my ideal type of guy is the same as bev's. haha. oh no. can you imagine bev and I fighting for the same guy next time? er... no! you can have him. take take.

Went to watch The King and His Clown with mel today. Walked out of the cinema having pretty much detest for almost all the characters. Firstly the King, he's lazy, insane, only cares for his own sick pleasure (be it a guy or girl). Some people will say he's like that because of childhood trauma. Well, the guy's mum was made to drink poison because she was accused by other concubines of being a slut. ok so the poor boy grew up without a mother and this caused a flaw in his character. The king also falls into his own struggle to defeat his own insecurity. Pressure is on him to be like his father, the previous king. but whenever he's reminded of that, he blows his top because he knows he will never be as strong as his father.

Gong-gil. The effeminate clown.He's kind of witty, but other than that he's absolutely useless and weak. He has no means of defending himself, except when everybody threatens to leave him behind, he starts to do something. But that's just because if he doesn't he's going to be alone.

Gong-gil's best "friend"? Friend because Im not sure whether they actually like each other. maybe they are just really really good friends. he's silly because he's always listening to gong-gil and when gong gil gets into trouble, he's always there to rescue him. Nothing's wrong with the rescuing part. That's what friends do. But the thing is that if he sensed from the very beginning that things were going to get bad, he should have just asked gong-gil to shut up, kidnap him and leave. He should have stood firm and stopped the trouble from happening.

Why are the show's characters so detestable? maybe because we see a little of ourselves in each of them? maybe not to such an exagerated degree, but maybe the root characteristics of these people. Insecurity, the need to feel important, greed, selfishness, over-reliance on others. The instinct to feel superior to others.

watch the show if you can, it'll make you laugh, cry, cringe. It'll show you the power of friendship or love (whichever way you see it), and how much evil men are capable of.

LAST PAPER TOMORROW!!! ALL THE BEST GUYS!!!!

tagged.

2006-06-20T08:47:00.000+08:00

yayness. Im doing this cause I was asked by SALINA to do it. must I really do it? gr.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. The tagged victims have to come up with eight different points of his/her perfect lover.
2. Have to mention the gender of his/her perfect lover.
3. Tag eight other victims to join this game and leave a comment on their blog.
4. If you are tagged the second time, there's no need to do this AGAIN.
5. Lastly, most importantly, HAVE. FUN. DOING. IT .

ok... here goes... HE must be...
1. a christian.

2. a good guy

3. a nice guy

4. a humorous guy

5. a leader (who is able to lead yet humble, with humility and teachability.. very important)

6. generous

7. a guy with wisdom and foresight.

8. like my daddy. ( Im serious... my dad is the best guy in the world.)

haha.. they are all quite vague... go figure.

hmmm.. won't name any specific ppl... most ppl I know will be studying for BTs. but if you want to do it... go ahead.. but of course let me know so I can do a bit of snooping. haha.

Daddy wore the shirt we made him for fathers' day... so sporting.

piggish day

2006-06-19T22:10:00.000+08:00

somehow I miss v... it's just something abt a person going overseas... like you know that the person is so far away..hope everything goes well.

guess what time I woke up today? super piggish. 3.25 pm. hey.. I slept at 3 am ok? so actually I slept for only 12 hours, which is not too bad. ok fine.. Im trying to make myself feel better. so basically today was a super short day for me, what K says is a duck day. Three duck days = to 1 human day. haha super funny.

C sent me this.. watch it. It's a very touching video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiXV9x8ZQ7U

camp and shopping

2006-06-15T23:47:00.000+08:00

Just came back from malacca church camp. A few things I learnt at camp:
1. Sandflies are attracted to my sandals. (proven from the many red dots I have all over my feet)
2. Sandfly medication makes you very drowsy.Don't take when you need to be awake to let people into the apartment.
3.People in malaysia are more generous with their milo powder.
4. of course I learnt something biblical too... Flee from temptations!

want to thank S for talking with me that day... :)

today went shopping with mummy... bought some pure poison. smells quite fruity and sweet... I like. haven't gone shopping with mummy for a long time.

Jan is practicing her drums really hard. poor thing. hope she doesn't get too stressed.

Youth sunday service on the 25th of JUNE!!! please come if you can!

LTC

2006-06-10T21:32:00.000+08:00

Suffering from post LTC blues. It's kind of strange because just before it started, I was telling K that I was quite sian of camps. I think all of us really grew during LTC..not just the campers, but the facils as well. Maybe even more for the facils. The camp bonded all of us quite well. Really want to thank all of you for the wonderful, wonderful time. Every time I think of what Im leaving now I get teary-eyed. If there wasn't ltc maybe I wouldn't have felt this way.

Joel, JM, Sam, Ian, Brynner, Loke, Gen, Ken, May, Alfred, Yuan... thanks for everything.

ic blues.

2006-05-30T01:58:00.000+08:00

sigh. It happened again today. This time at a cinema. Some of the LTC com people went to eat dinner and watch Da Vinci Code at Bishan after the dry run today. Before the movie, G bought a loaf of delifrance baguette for dinner and she couldn't finish it. So I wanted to take it home for breakfast the next morning. (fine.. kind of cheapo. but it's good bread ok?!) BUT.... The staff who collect tickets saw me asking MH whether she minded helping me put the bread in her bag and stopped us. gr. It's not as if we were going to eat it in the theatre. gr. So, we threw the bread away because the movie was going to start soon. There went my breakfast...
So anyways... that's not the main part of this entry...
Da vinci is given a NC-16 rating, and because the cinema was recently singled out by the newspaper that it allowed underaged people to pass through them, thus they decided to become more stringent. Nothing wrong with that... in fact I think its good. However when it was my turn, I gave the lady my student pass. You know the blue one that they give you in secondary school, the one with the photo taken in primary 6? Yes. That one. The card clearly states valid till DEC 2006 ok? Means JC included. but anyways, she stopped me and told me that I couldn't use that card. Then I was like,"why not? we can use it in exams, its official." Then she said, "ya I know, but... ", and then she passed my card to her partner and said, "Xiang meh?" (does this look like her?). Then she took back the card and put it to my face to compare. "don't look like leh?" LIKE?!?!?! It's not my fault we can't change the photo on the card!!!! I just happen not to be photogenic ok?. gr. so mean. Be more professional can? Even people at immigration don't do that la. And I've passed international borders with that photo ok, and now I almost can't get into a cinema. Then her partner asked me to quote my I/C number. fine. I quoted, and she told me not to use that card again and she let me pass through. gr.
Being more stringent doesn't mean being more rigid... you can tell a person's age by looking at the birth year also what. These things always happen to me.

We got front row seats for the movie. ahha. actually that is my fault, because actually my friends had the choice of the second row or the first row. but they had to call me to confirm with me whether I was joining them and we lost the 2nd row. sorry!!! So we all came out of the cinema with neck cramps. haha. K is damn funny, kept shifting and then lying on the floor with his head on the chair.. then he say he can watch the movie from behind the screen. haha. so funny.. who ask you to have such a long body?! haha. I, another good reason for being short eh? woo hoo!

thanks

2006-05-30T01:53:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. this post is specially to people who have given their encourage and support in one way or another. :)

To pyu, ren, rong... Thanks for the yummy yummy chocolate cake. The mouse is so cute, almost couldn't bear to eat it. and thanks for the balloon! Sorry I couldn't talk longer with you guys today. sorry!

To lw, thanks for the note. :) so sweet of you.

saying that you care and love a person really means a lot. So what are you waiting for? tell your friends that you love them!!

I LOVE YOU!!! haha

or maybe

2006-05-26T00:38:00.000+08:00

A lot of things have been slipping from my mind recently, like how I forgot to find a replacement for morning announcements today. Must have caused quite a confusion and put lots of stress on the poor J1 to take over impromtu. but well done! you're very brave! I think there were somemore things that I forgot... but I probably forgot what I forgot. sigh.

To all those who have sent me encouraging smses and who have come down to the wake despite their busy schedules, a big thank you. My family is very grateful for your support. haha. Thanks to 'And then there were 6' for being so thoughtful and getting Kids! Brands chicken essence so my sis can drink it too! :) so cute!

Im really happy for you, you're finally on the way to do something that you really want to do. Praise God. You prepare yourself very well mentally and emotionally for every decision that you make. So, I guess I'll just wish you all the best. :)

well.. there were a lot more things I wanted to blog about but I keep forgetting them. Or maybe...

grandpa

2006-05-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

my grandpa passed away today.

my mother's heart must be hurting so badly..

week review

2006-05-20T12:10:00.000+08:00

I haven't been blogging for a week. Busy week. (as usual) Meetings, matches to go down to support, tests.

The monday chem test was postponed to Friday, much to some people's relief (like mine), but for some people that was terrible news because there was physics spa skill A on that day as well. I don't see why that really matters because mdm L's tests are so difficult and she gives so little time that there is really no difference whether you studied or not. The highest in class was a single digit. haha. oh well. She's a good teacher though.

The school's got new study benches, an effort to make the j2s study more at school. I mean... I appreciate the school doing that but some of the areas that they put the benches at, its so dark and warm, how to study? Maybe they could open more LTs for studying and extend the opening hours? At least got air con.

Rugby finals.
Some people think that their win is over-rated. well... Rugby is just a popular sport, somehow the saints live for rugby (esp the old boys) and hey... we finally got first after 17 years, AND we defeated two defending champions. That's a big thing. Together with the council nominees, the 28th also went down to help cheer for rubgy boys. We got there and we saw this HUGE RJ banner, heard they had scouts come down in the morning to help build the structure out of scaffolding in order to hang the banner. So basically everybody was admiring their banner and we became embarrassed to put up our pathetic banner. Then M C asked how come we don't have a banner like that? well... our school no money.....thats why. Our banner paint was donated by the drama club la. We don't have budget. sigh. But Anyways... we went there to play rugby not to win a banner making competition. A few days after the match, the ruggers were asking B why we didn't have a banner. He said, " aiyah... we go there to win rugby, not banner making competition. Then the ruggers said what if they didn't win? so B replied," then we will say... anyway you all will lose, don't waste our efforts making a banner." haha! damn funny.
The atmosphere at the stadium was just like... WOW! Especially when time was almost running out and SA scored two more tries. Everyone was just chanting, "S...A...J...C!" and when the whistle was blown... everybody rushed out onto the field. Some people cried, some screamed,some laughed, others all three at the same time. How many times in your life do you get to experience something like that? We finally got to sing our school song during a match as well.haha. Adrenaline rush man.

ICtalent
REWIND won 2nd place! cool! yay!
hee.
The guy from sa who won the individuals category is very funny. When he sung his encore song. he jumped down the stage and walked around the CC! hahah! so singapore Idol! Very charismatic eh? haha. got potential!

The longest day

2006-05-13T14:22:00.000+08:00

My day began at 9.30pm yesterday night. Mum and dad drove J,K,Ls and I to J's house after tuition so that J could pack his things for the recce. My mum made a whole fuss about wearing my cardigan during the recce because its going to be cold at 2.30 am. After I refused, she roped in J, K and Ls to make sure that I wore my cardigan. sigh. haha... Im still a kid to her.

Met G and I at YCK station. And we went to Sembawang Station together. Then we all trooped to ms N house to spend the rest of the time before we started the recce. Ms N's house is so her. There are classic flower motiffs everywhere! G and I tried counting the flowers in her house, but I gave up after a seeing a gift box with a pink rose motiff all over it. ahha. We played cards and watched Scary Movie. At 2.30am we set off on our long journey. We walked from XX to YY, our legs were super suan after that. we reached YY at 6.15am. After that we had to recce YY as well. ( incase ur wondering... sorry can't reveal the place. haha. )

Anyways... that's just the physical part of it. I guess today, I learned about a lot of things as well.

That Im so afraid of not being around people. Like it matters to me a lot that people like me, when it should not be a problem at all. I guess everybody has a secret flaw(s), even the most confident person has his insecurities. Everybody just wants to be accepted. When I speak to people I get paranoid, I worry that whatever I say offends them, whether it will give them a good impression of me. Hence most of the time, I end up not speaking at all.

hmmm... when I heard about it today. I really couldn't describe how I was feeling. It was like a mixture of jealousy, heartache and concern. Jealous cause... oh my. It's so terrible to think this way, I can't help wonder why I don't have such "luck" ahha. I sound like some despo freak. Well Im not... everybody likes to be flattered once in a while. :D Heartache because, I know how you feel. I know what you are willing to sacrifice, I know the awkwardness you have to deal with, the hope that you continue to have, yet the thought of the possibility that you might lose it all. And well.. concern comes as a package. Hope everything works out for both of you.

Ms K! not the SA ms K but my ms K is pregnant! just found out as well!will pray for her, that she will be comforted from all her fears. :)

recce!

2006-05-06T23:14:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. ok I can't say much about this.. yup. but today was fun!

FUn!

met at the school main gate at 7. haha K woke up late.. he was the last to reach. hahahha! then he came with just his wallet, hp, water bottle and big umbrella which he took last minute from his dad's car. ahhaha! quite funny. look like tourist.

then once we set off... it started raining super heavily so we took shelter under the expressway for some time. we were so bored we amused ourselves by trying to spot some black chicken hiding in the bushes. Then we sent JM to go and "chirp" with it. hahah!

We did a lot of cycling today. super tired. Aching joints. but at least we had time to bond and we had fun! SORRY GEN! sorry.

resolution: I must learn how to cycle!

baby eaglets.

2006-05-02T22:52:00.000+08:00

Recent interviews

all these interviews have gotten me thinking. Who were the people who were likely to succeed? people who were sincere, earnest, who put thought into why they wanted it, no politically correct answers, quick and witty. So much for always thinking that I should stick to safe answers. answers that everybody liked to hear. I realise that maybe in the past when I went for all those interviews I didn't really put much thought into it. I didn't reflect on why I wanted it, it was more of something that I had to do. I was so afraid of saying the wrong things, everything that I said was so standard, and that didn't help in helping to set me apart from the rest. now I see why. sigh. don't try to be something Im not.

Baby eaglets

When it is time for baby eaglets to learn how to fly, there are several things that the mother eagle would do. First, she will bring her eaglets to the side of the nest and fly out, hopefully her chicks will follow her. If the stubborn chick is too afraid, and refuses to go out of the nest, the mother will literally push her chick out of the nest. Let it fall and struggle and learn how to use its wings. However, all this while, the mother will fly below the struggling chick, flapping its wings to give the chick the lift, or to catch the chick just incase the little fellow really doesn't make it and fails to fly.
I guess that's how Im feeling now. standing at the side of my nest, my comfort zone, a place where I know everything is provided for me. Outside my nest, a whole new strange world. Hesitating. Afraid of the unknown.not knowing whether I will fail or succeed. Unwilling to let go. when the time comes, I'll get pushed out of the nest, left to fight to learn how to fly. but ultimately, I know that there will always be people below me, the wind beneath my wings, pushing me to fly higher and higher. It's hard to learn how to be independent, but somehow, I think I will get there. Im praying I will.

3 months and 19 days to go.

ian's birthday

2006-04-30T16:49:00.000+08:00

uploaded some photos of i's 18th (yes 18th) birthday party. haha. happpy birthday IAN! I wanted to upload the video ok? haha. But then I thought that's kind of R-rated and would be better off selling it on ebay. haha.

the disgusting fake cake...

Angel in disguise

2006-04-28T23:55:00.000+08:00

After sports day, a group of us went to cafe cartel to eat lunch.. Can you believe they are selling their set meals (soup, main course, drink and beverage) for $7.90 only? quite worth it right? plus the free flow of bread also! yummy. had quite a bit of fun. watching K and K bicker, then act gay. sigh..don't know whether they hate or love each other.

I ate and ate until I was so full, I started to feel sleepy. So I just lay back on the sofa and then suddenly someone tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up and then I saw mel, and bev and eunice! was so happy to see them. haha. did our usual routine of shrieking and hugging and acting like we're mad ladies, then blocking the way because we're so deep in conversation and then discover that we are actually rotating in a circle motion.

today after council interviews, went to see i, s, jm, m jamming their audition song for the inter jc talentime. :) they are good. Angel in disguise. haha. all the best... jia you!

Cry out to Jesus

2006-04-24T23:20:00.000+08:00

Cry Out To Jesus

Words by Mac Powell

Music by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love

Long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough

when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains

Keeping you back from your life

You believe that there's nothing and there is no one

Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on

They lost all of their faith in love

They've done all they can to make it right again

Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains

You try to give up but you come back again

Just remember that you're not alone in your shame

And your suffering

When your lonely

And it feels like the whole world is falling on you

You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone

Wiping the tears from her eyes

For the children around the world without a home

Say a prayer tonight

animations

2006-04-21T23:11:00.000+08:00

Some animations about God's love for us:
2 Samuel 22:33 God is my strong fortress; He has made me safe.
http://www.donghaeng.net/english/love.htm
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
http://www.donghaeng.net/english/faith.htm
1 Peter 5:7>Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
http://www.donghaeng.net/english/cross.htm

Watch the lamb

2006-04-11T18:04:00.000+08:00

Watch The Lamb

Ray Boltz

Walking on the road to Jerusalem,

The time had come to sacrifice again,

My two small sons,

They walk beside me on the road,

The reason that they came

Was to watch the lamb.

Daddy, daddy,

What will see there,

Theres so much that we dont understand,

So I told them of Moses

And father Abraham,

Then I said dear children watch the lamb,

There will be so many in Jerusalem today,

We must be sure the lamb doesnt run away,

And I told them of Moses

And father Abraham,

Then I said dear children watch the lamb.

When we reached the city,

I knew something must be wrong,

There were no joyful worshipers,

No joyful worship songs,

I stood there with my children

In the midst of angry men,

Then I heard the crowd cry out

Crucify Him.

We tried to leave the city

But we could not get away,

Forced to play in this drama

A part I did not wish to play,

Why upon this day

Were men condemned to die,

Why were we standing here,

Where soon they would pass by.

I looked and said,

even now they come,

The first one cried for mercy,

The people gave him none,

The second one was violent,

He was arrogant and loud,

I still here his angry voice

Screaming at the crowd.

Then someone said theres Jesus,

I scarce believed my eyes,

A man so badly beaten,

He barely looked alive,

Blood poured from His body,

From the forms upon His brow,

Running down the cross,

Falling to the ground.

I watched Him as He struggled,

I watched Him as He fell,

The cross came down upon His back,

The crowd began to yell,

In that moment I felt such agony,

In that moment I felt such loss,

Till a Roman soldier grabbed my arm

And screamed, you, carry His cross.

At first I tried to resist him,

Then his hand reached for his cross,

So I knelt and took The cross from the Lord,

I placed it on my shoulder,

And started down the street,

The blood that hed been shedding

Was running down my cheek.

They led us to Golgotha,

They drove nails

Deep in His feet and hands,

Yet upon the cross I heard Him pray

Father, forgive them.

Oh, never have I seen such love

In any other eyes,

Into thy hands I commit my spirit

He prayed and the He died.

I stood for what seemed like years,

Id lost all sense of time

Until I felt to tiny hands

Holding tight to mine,

The children stood there weeping,

I heard the oldest say,

Father please forgive us,

The lamb ran away.

Daddy, daddy,

What have we seen here,

Theres so much

That we don't understand,

So I took them in my arms,

And we turned and faced the cross,

Then I said dear children

Watch the lamb.

umich

2006-04-11T17:33:00.000+08:00

was just updating my movie list... I realised that I've been watching a lot of movies... maybe more than what I've watched in secondary school put together. tsk tsk tsk.

I guess I've roughly made my choice about which uni to go. hmm. Also been talking to lots of ppl about my fears. I guess I really need to trust God more. Need to learn to have more confidence, to be more independent, need to learn how to cook, do laundry, bla bla bla. gr. now I realise how much I take from granted.

Anyways.. I uploaded I few photos I took during my trip.

Photos of Umich

My sis and I in SF
Beautiful Santa monica beach
This is the donut shop near berkeley. Krispy Kreme donuts!

Im back!

2006-04-04T00:44:00.000+08:00

A week. I was gone for a week and I feel like I've missed out a million things. gr. oh well. Im still a bit nauseas now.. have no idea why. I have a bio spa tomorrow too. and my chem teacher is angry with me for skipping so many mcqs for my block test. bah! gr.

I really really really missed you guys... like there were little bits of things that I saw there and I just started linking it to you! and its only a week la... can you imagine if I really go.. I'll just die of homesickness.
I thought about..
...mel, when I looked up at the clear michigan night sky, when I was at Santa Monica Beach, or just the weather.
...Van, when I heard Explosive on the plane, I could just see her performing all over again in my head.
...T, when I saw ppl lying on the grass, soaking up the sun or playing frisbee.
...Ian, because I was staying in a hotel next to a luxury suite called kensington courts. (his apartment is kensington park)
... Pyu, whenever I walked pass a gift shop... (soorry couldn't find patrick :( )
... Ken, cos there were these girls who were wearing short skirts in winter... and I thought about what you would say. hahha! and that time we were at starbucks studying and this women with a short red skirt was going down the escalator. tsk tsk tsk.
... about what ms carol said.
... lil jan, whenever I saw chocolates and dippin dots ice cream and krispy kreme donuts
... ah!!! and so many other ppl!

sigh. now Im faced with a choice. again. I don't want to regret it. what should I do?

Im feeling woozy again. is my room spinning or is it me?

nursery rhymes

2006-03-26T00:00:00.000+08:00

Remember remember the fifth of November

Gunpowder, treason and plot

I see no reason why gunpowder, treason

Should ever be forgot

These are the starting lines of V for Vendetta. A nursery rhyme. Written in 1606 to warn people not to commit treason and to remind the English of the fate of a traitor, Guy Fawkes who tried to blow up the parliament in nov 5, 1605. V for Vendetta is a really good movie, try to catch it if you can. It gives a whole new perception to fighting for what you believe in. To put it in a good light, V is a hero, a deliver, standing up for the people of england and delivering them from the hands of a autocratic government. To put it in other words of course, V is just another terrorist. He too, killed innocent people to accomplish his goals of revenge. In a way, his quest to "free" the people of England, was accompanied by another agenda of personal revenge against the government and against the people who had tortured him in the past. He manupilated the public, the woman he loved, made use of her ID and even tortured her to get her to see his point of view. The question is then, where do you draw the line between fighting for good or for evil? Where do you draw the line at how many people expendable in order to achieve what you set out to do? Who is right and who is wrong?

This is probably the reason why we will never see peace in this world. There's one scene in the movie where all these guys are shooting V and V just would not die, so this politician present at the scene asked him why he would not die. V said, "there's something more than just flesh and muscles under this mask, it's ideas and ideas do not die." or something to that extent. Ideas won't die. People will continue to hurt others for a "worthy cause". The world is not on its way to become a better place.

another incentive to watch the show is because natalie portman is such a good actress. she's pretty, smart and she even looks good bald. Mel always says the best way to know if someone is really pretty is to shave bald. She passes the test!

One reason why you probably not want to watch the show: French toast.

The french toast that V and Gordon makes for Evey looks too yummy. And... It appears twice in the show. Starts some major craving after watching the show. You've been warned.

Mel just told me that the nursery rhyme ring around the rosies is about the black death. Then there's the remember remember nursery rhyme talking about treason, and humpty dumpty is about a heavy canon,Georgie porgie is about adultery. so Im thinking, we let our children learn about these things?! I grew up learning nursery rhymes thinking that there were just nonsensical harmless rattling. someone explain to me why they are taught to children? just because it has catchy tunes and is short maybe. but still? we are told not to let our children watch too much tv because there is too much sex, violence and all these are not good for development. hmmm. strange world we live in.

jump!

2006-03-19T13:36:00.001+08:00

haha.. I like this song. spunky character. not exactly the right things to teach but..there's a little bad girl in all of us yeah?

The Faders
Jump

I dont wanna live heart ache

Dont bring me down again

Stop doing my head in

When will it end when will it end?

Get ready its show time

Got nothing to lose but you

Now Ive made up my mind

You know what to do you know what to do

Jump

Why dont you just jump?

Now youre out on your own

Only one way for you to go

So jump

Why dont you just jump?

Now youre out of time

And you know what you can do

Ooooo we didnt think it possible

I can never live with out your love

But you lost it all ha

You say you need me

Whatever whatever Ive heard it all before

Cant live without me

Whatever whatever Ive heard it all before

And you say you love me

Whatever whatever Ive heard it all before

Do anything for me

Whatever whatever Ive heard it all before

Soooo Jump

Why dont you just jump?

Now youre out on your own

Only one way for you to go

So jump

Why dont you just jump?

Now youre out of time

And you know what you can do

Why you can jump

The love of God

2006-03-14T00:28:00.000+08:00

The Love Of God

The Love of God is greater far

Then tongue or pen can ever tell

It goes beyond the highest star

And reaches to the lowest hell

The guilty pair, bowed down with care

God gave His Son to win

His erring child, He reconciled

And pardoned from his sin

The love of God, how rich and pure

How measureless and strong

It shall forevermore endure

The saints and angels song

Could we with ink the oceans fill

And were the skies of parchment made

Were every stalk on earth a quill

And every man a scribe by trade

To write the love of God above

Would drain the ocean dry

Nor could the scroll contain the whole

Though stretched from sky to sky

Just think about the words of this hymn. Especially the 2nd verse... it just leaves me feeling so thankful and awed each time.

dan's birthday

2006-03-12T23:58:00.000+08:00

Today is D's 19th birthday! and we surprised him with a birthday dinner. hope he had fun! Think the funniest part was when i messaged me to ask S,G and I to hide and then D, J and i were just outside NYDC. We panicked and used the menus to cover our faces and we even creased the birthday card in our haste. sigh... see la i.... next time message faster ok? hahah.

Came back, watched terrorist week on National Geo with my daddy. hmmm... did you know that the toxin produced by some bacteria that is used in botox injections can be used as a biological weapon? A syringe of concentrated toxin is enough to kill the whole world. and ppl are still injecting it into their faces? the price we pay for vanity. There was this case in the US, Palm beach, where this plastic surgeon had gotten hold of a bottle of concentrated toxin and he clearly ignored the label on the bottle that said that the contents were for research purposes only. He organised a botox party and injected himself and the ppl who came for the party with this toxin. In the end, all of them went to hospital, not sure whether they survived.Don;t think so. I mean, come on?! read the label! you're a doctor, IQ prob 1289371829?!?! gr. stupidity and vanity killed the cat.

Jan is so afraid that she will get small pox and die ugly with pustles leaking of pus. hahah.. so cute. She can't sleep now. Insisted that mama goes and sleep with her. The show reminded me of our gp lessons. haha science and technology. but something more crucial is this, life is so vulnerable, Man thinks that we're powerful, the dominant species, but in reality, we're not. It's in things like this, that we realise that we do not have full control over everything. In fact, the more we try to understand and control nature, the more we lose control of it. guess this is God's way of telling us that we're not God. ok. better stop before this starts sounding like a gp essay.

The person you need is nanny mcphee. There's something you need to understand about the way I work: When you need me, but do not want me, I will stay. When you want me, but do not need me, that is when I have to go.

how did I fall in love with you

2006-03-10T22:25:00.000+08:00

This is my new favourite song. hahah. kind of swoony. I like. :) I can just imagine using it for stepping down next year... gosh. everybody will just start tearing.

How did I fall in love with you
Backstreet boys

Remember when,
we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone,
and I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to beAlone tonight

chorus:What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble
I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,Alone tonight

chorus

Bridge:Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah
I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spendThe rest of my life

chorus:What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew
How did I fall, in love, with you?

updates

2006-03-04T12:24:00.000+08:00

I have found my gu-gu (auntie) hahaha... its Ren! Cause before physics spa we were having a sword fight... I mean ruler fight. Then somehow the topic became condor heroes and because my surname is guo, I became guo-er and Ren is my gu-gu. so now Ren likes to chase me around class, calling guo-er guo-er.... so freaky.

to py: thanks for listening to me even when you had to take time off ur work. I know now is a very stressful time for you... so jia you ok? jia you!I'll be keeping you in prayer. You always tell me that I can do it and not to give up, so you must persevere on too!

its really nice to see van in school. She came back to school for a while for spa on friday. thankfully her chicken pox is quite mild. Gen(hammie) cut her hair, think she looks nice with her short hair.

2006-03-04T12:04:00.000+08:00

Helped my sister braid her hair today. When I was done, I stood there looking at her, thinking, " she's going to be so pretty in a few years time". Sigh... everybody's growing up so fast. Then I think about my parents, there will come a time when the three of us are overseas, working or studying. Suddenly this huge house will be so empty. An empty nest. Not sure whether they will be used to it. Especially my mum. I guess now I know why jie wants to finish her studies so quickly and come back.

friendship band issue

2006-02-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

I was very touched by what F and R did today. really, this is what friends are for. Im really admire how much you guys put in for ur friends... When you guys went to the dustbin to take it back for R, I was so so touched. You guys comforted her, made her feel better, shows how much ur willing to go out for a friend without expecting anything in return. There's so few of such ppl on this earth. truly truly thank God for you guys.

had a bad day

2006-02-17T23:28:00.000+08:00

had a bad day today. gr. so many things went wrong. First it was to G, and I think it was super unfair for her. Everything was not going in her favour and G!!! I think you were great up there. Cheer up ok? This doesn't make you bad at what you do.

Then I messed up with the balloons. Shall not put up the details. But basically,its question of integrity And Im so so ashamed. In our excitement to sell the things, we really shouldn't have made use of them. Why didn't it occur to me before, the consequences of what we were doing.
Why didn't I stop it, when I could? Just feel that people had that expectation of me, and I let them down, I let God and myself down for not doing the right things.

I have a big red 'copied'written on my physics practical. got scolded for letting someone else copy my work. I guess that's really my fault. so fine. I shall not let anyone copy my work from now on. gr.

If that's not enough, my phone died on me when I was at the drama fest. and it ended super late.How was I supposed to know that L was waiting for me and T was trying to contact me? I know I made everybody worry, and Im sorry. alright... maybe I should have called before I left, would save everybody so much trouble right? and if I didn't sound appreciative that you guys were looking for me, Im sorry again. I just keep causing trouble to others around me when I could have avoided all this. I 've been feeling bad the whole day, I don't need another reason to feel bad again.

bah!.

the essay

2006-02-14T21:21:00.000+08:00

The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have said in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched , "I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him.
All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written"

xiaolongbao and happy birthday joel

2006-02-03T22:28:00.000+08:00

ren and peiyu are so wonderful!!! on wednesday, in school I was whining a lot that I felt like eating xiao long bao. Ren said she didn't have cca,so she could go eat after school. Then I said I got council meeting, cannot.Ren laughed at me la, so evil. After class, I went for meeting. Then just before meeting started, ian told me that ren had bought be a cake and that it was in the sc. then I was "oh so nice!" later, I got a message from pei yu saying,"dreams do come true." I walked into the SC after the meeting and I saw a crystal jade plastic bag. I was so Stunned! really didn't know what to say. was really very touched and happy! After that kenneth tried to trick me to sharing my XLB with him. ahhaha.
To ren and fishyu: Thanks, it was really very yummy and sweet to the heart as well. :D

happy birthday joel! today is joel's 18th birthday.
I and S planned a surprise birthday party for him, yay! so after functions meeting today, L and I went to his house together. When we got there, I was like kan chiong spider la, keep going through the plans , worry this worry that. haha. but he's very good at planning la! yay I! Big Thank you to J's sister, mother and father. When the time came for the big surprise, J came down the stairs and he saw us with the poppers. Then he said very calmly, "haha thanks." so anti climax la. hahaha! but its ok, we know that secretly inside you are very touched. haha. We ate a lot! Chocolate fondue! yum, nice to eat and play with. We smudged the chocolate onto J's face, he looked like he was bleeding chocolate. We even used the chocolate as hair gel. Before I left, he rammed his head into my back, staining my shirt. :( haha. but its ok, its his shirt anyway. borrowed one from him because I didn't bring extra change. oh well, glad he enjoyed his birthday.

To fawn: hey hey! Thanks for ur sms during physics. Sorry didn't reply. yah man! I love weekends! physics is like the only class that our class is united in being late for. You should have seen it today. We were all crowding outside the photocopying shop instead of going to class. haha. Then I think we were 15 min late for class. haha. ops. miss you a lot. how are you?

To keep your lovely face

2006-01-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

To keep Your lovely face

Ever before my eyes

This is my prayer

Make it my strong desire

That in my secret heart

No other love competes

No rival throne survives

And I serve only You.

Happy Chinese New Year Everybody!
It's the 2nd day of new year. Hols are coming to an end!!!

heh heh. on the first day of cny, was leaving my grandma's house when I heard someone callilng my name very loudly. I turned and I saw WY and in my surprise I shouted "AAAH!" . after that my parents said that it came out quite rude. Im sorry WY! didn't mean to sound rude.

Been having huge cravings these few days. I've been eating and eating all the new year goodies and the wonderful wonderful chocolatey cake from Awfully Chocolate..eep! feeling super bloated. I am going to set a new year's resolution: I am going to stop bingeing. Stop stop stop!

Ever wondered what you'll be in the future? for those who are working, whether there was a chance in life for you to pursue anything else? would you still have chosen the same path? a very special person told me before that we shouldn't regret. cos if we did, then there will be no end to it. what if you can't help looking back, and thinking what you could have been, what you could have done? is't that what life is about, looking back, learning from the past? when you were at those crossroads, sometimes its not always easy to choose, sometimes God doesn't place a barricade on one of the roads. Then how do you decide where to go from there?

cny

2006-01-27T21:17:00.000+08:00

today was quite slack. cos today was a half day.
during ME, we snacked in class, ate corny chips, took lots of pictures. Ren took super unglam pictures of everybody.

van's performance was great. she gives me the shivers, goosebumps whenever she performs, and she's the only one who can take my breath away. whoosh. I just stop breathing as I watch. you really are very talented and beautiful.

after cny celebrations, the council loi hei-ed. haha... what a mess it was. yu sheng all over the table. haha. then after that gen, loke, belle, siva and I went to sc to play monopoly s'pore version. wow they are loud. esp gen. super high pitched man. after that siva and I were complaining that there was still a ringing in our ears. hahahha but it was fun!

mel.fawn

2006-01-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

went for picnic at botanics with mel, jan, gen, and bev.
quite fun except for that irritating BEEtle. And the ants which attacked our tuna. And the pidgeons. Bird flu! bev came like super late, and she wore these really nice looking shoes, but they hurt really badly. don't know how she can tahan.

then went to fawn's farewell party. heard she was really shocked. yay! hahaha.. sound very sadistic right? but we wanted it to be like that mah. haha.

because pei yu wanted me to blog about her, here goes: hello PEI YU!!!
haha. just joking la. pei yu pei yu peiyu. thanks for walking me out! oh and ren! thanks for walking me in! haha.

thanks.

2006-01-14T23:54:00.000+08:00

oh yea.
just want to say thanks lynne. for that email. hope your enjoying school at sajc? ahha...
you continued the trend again! ahah. all the head prefects go there!

Hey GB girls!!! how was the cca fair?? sorry I couldn't make it... I was in a meeting for like 4 hours?! but I bet you guys put up the best performance! always so proud of you guys! GB!!!
Gold company! woooosh! heh. yay!

heart vs mind

2006-01-14T23:34:00.000+08:00

many people have been asking me why Im so different in real life and on the blog. I guess the blog is where I dump all the crap in me out so that I can smile in real life. Everyone needs an outlet eh? funny theory don't you think? but it works for me.

Fawn's leaving. Our class is getting smaller. sigh.

February brings in more events to plan. Orientation 2, open house, Friendship week..
will you be hurt again?

Lessons of Life

2006-01-14T23:29:00.000+08:00

Lessons of Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

Moral: Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time sooner or later.

orientation's over

2006-01-08T00:36:00.000+08:00

Orientation ended yesterday with the finale! but we had to go back to school today to clean up the Student Centre. We're all really messy people, the SC looked like a tornado swept passed before the clean up. After the clean up, I was really tired, didn't go to church for camp debrief. sorry camp commandant.

During orientation, I learnt things the hard way. Once again, God broke me. not once, but many times. I did so many things to create a good impression with the teachers, but in whatever I did, I just screwed up even more badly. Then I began to question myself, why was I trying to hard to please people? Shouldn't it be for someone whom was watching over me all the time, some one who was far more important than all the council teachers in the world? I lost my focus again. and God broke me for it. but Im glad He did it. Everytime I think that I can survive without Him, He slaps me in the face, and in a way, Im grateful for it. If pain is what it takes for me to keep Him as the centre of my life, however sad and pathetic this sounds, I'll take it. If you're thinking why anyone can be so weak and stray away so easily, Im only human. Weakness is something we all deal with. Not that Im giving myself an excuse for straying away, but just justifying the fact why I need slaps once in a while. Everyone needs to be reminded once in a while no? haha.

I realise I get so involved in whatever that Im supposed to do that I forget about my friends. I know saying sorry doesn't help to redeem myself (like they say sorry no cure), but Im really sorry k?! so sorry van and mel. you can slap me too if you want ok?

first day of the new year

2006-01-02T00:43:00.000+08:00

its 2006. what will this year bring? what new changes will there be?

met up with gen, jan, mel today. had dinner and exchanged presents. and later we went a little high on hot chocolate so we all ended up lying on mel's bed and laughing at the silliest things ever.

new year's resolutions. I never came up with them cause I knew somehow that I would never keep them? or maybe I was too easily contented. I mean I know Im a pampered person but generally Im happy with what life gives me? Maybe that's why my thought processes are really shallow. LW display pic was of a little boy kneeling on the floor, drawing. to me all I thought was, "oh this boy is so cute!". but to her she saw such passion in the boy, said that it reflected things close to her heart. how come others can see such things and I can't? why Im I so uninteresting.

new blog skin!

2005-12-31T12:20:00.000+08:00

haha! new blogskin! the photo is just for testing. haha sua ku me didn't even know how to upload a photo. New year's coming. sigh. new school year and more exams, homework and the big A. so not ready.

Orientation is in 2 days time. woo. I can't decide whether Im happier for it to be over or dreading for it to happen. It's not a very good feeling when you don't feel ready for something to happen right? oh well... we'll see in a few days.

Happy new year ppl!

2005-12-03T21:07:00.000+08:00

I think ever since I stopped doing drill in gb, I've become super unfit. Seriously girls, take my word for it, drill is actually quite good exercise. Went swimming after ms kang's wedding (aka mrs koh now :) ) my arms started aching when I came out of the pool. I need to go on the fats to abs program!

Ms kang's wedding, never seen her happier. She looked nervous, yet joyful beyond tears a mixture of feelings. You don't have to guess the colour theme of the wedding, I'll tell you, its yellow. haha. Does every bride feel nervous before her walk down the aisle? I remember ivy saying that she was nervous and she flashed us a sheepish grin before she stepped into the sanctuary. Nervous of? saying the wrong thing during the ceremony? life together with another person? of the future? guess I'll only find out when its my turn.
Ms kang.. or should I say mr and mrs vincent koh wrote their own vows, which I think is so so sweet. ms kang said things like, "I know I can't rollerblade or play a scrabble game for nuts, but I hope to be the woman who........." It was so personal, sweet, sincere. When it was time for the exchange of rings, Charmaine commented, "how come no pillow huh?" she's so funny. told her she could have one at her own wedding.

on the ride back home after dinner, jan and I were high! and mama gradually caught the fever after us. We were practicing how to speak cantonese, and mama was just laughing at our feeble attempts to pronounce the words. After we were done with cantonese, we started translating the malay song, burong kaka dua (or something like that) to english. here's our version:

My grandma the old cockatoo
she is so very old

She only had two teeth

My grandma the old cockatoo

Leh trum leh trum lehtrum woo la la (x3)

My grandama the old cockatoo!

sounds really silly yeah? but we had fun I guess. maybe I've not grown up at all. maybe that's the real me? why do I try to be older than whom I reallly am? haha. cos life expects me to act a certain age. Rheotorical questions. bah!

slammed

2005-11-13T00:25:00.000+08:00

Slammed the window on my index finger. How stupid is that?!

new blogskin

2005-11-12T23:48:00.000+08:00

new blogskin! thanks to Jan. my lil sis is more IT savvy than me. sheesh. ahhah. I do want to change some colours of this and that... but other than that Im thankful dear. :) Watched Sky high with her today. Predictable, but overall it wasn't too bad. or maybe Im just a sucker for disney movies. haha. There are a few movies I still want to catch: Just like Heaven, The family Stone, Chronicles of Narnia, Chicken Little. (notice that half of the movies listed is produced by disney?)

everybody's been asking me about my studies. my sis asked my parents whether I was studying and working hard. My dad kind of told me strictly that I better stop playing and reminded me that I was in an average jc and yet I still had no distinctions to my name. My teacher smiled at me and told me that she expected better from me. I guess I haven't been working as hard as before. but hey! its not as if I've not been trying. Im disappointed with myself too.

PW is finally over. haha. oral presentation wasn't too bad. could answer during q and a. think our examiners were quite amused with david's part. he's pro man. really good presenter.

Orientation planning is in full swing. Almost. had one meeting after another on thurs. orientation meeting by commitees then followed by SAV racce, then another meeting at macs, less formal this time thankfully, and then by church youth camp planning.

so I guess if you dun see new blog entries in a while...yep. I'm gg to be really busy.

on another note... everybody likes to be reassured once in a while... so here goes:
to everybody out there- mel, gen chan, janet, chris, bev, vk, gen ng, chan, ian, kenneth, teeny, kanesh, Tee, bui eh, Charm,sam, jiamin, joel,baldwin, daniel, brynner, council ppl, 4/6ers!, GB ppl, church ppl... love you guys!

ignored

2005-10-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

what's been happening these few days? suddenly everyone is ignoring me. is it me? is it cos I do it to you? do I make it seem like that I only look for you when I have problems? does friendship mean so little? maybe I've been pmsy these few days. but what's happening? is there a growing gap between us all or is it just that I am too sensitive? Im I too irritating?

Im ranting. maybe sometimes I only give ppl assurance cos I want them to reassure me. how selfish is that? is that why Im building a wall up? is that why ppl think im cold?

I know i shouldn't be feeling this way. friendship isn't about this, but sometimes I feel used. what about the promises we made to each other? doesn't that mean anything either? or Im I just missing something? or is it just cos Im not making the first step?

17

2005-10-16T00:35:00.000+08:00

haha! finally 17. no longer sweet 16.
went out with mello, bev, jan, and gen (who once again forgot what day it was) after open house today. Gen you still owe us presents from like last year... you forgetful hammie. haha. Went to marche for dinner, took some neos and trooped off to esplanade for desert. er. with the many breaks in between to decide where to go and what we should do. haha. we're so good at making decisions.

after that wanted to go meet T before his flagoff. haha. but I got lost and spent super long looking for benjamins sheares bridge. so I walked one whole big round around that area when actually the place was just at the esplanade. haha. oh well. hope he does well.

just want to thank all those ppl who wished me and council ppl for singing a birthday song. so sweet of you guys! love ya all!

5 quirks

2005-10-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

alright... here are my long overdue 5 quirks:
1. I wash my feet before I sleep every night. don't ask me why... but ur bed feels nicer that way. sleep more comfortably as well

2.I sing when Im in the shower. I sing whatever is stuck in my mind and dun care if its out of tune but the minute I open the toilet door I stop.

3. I like my erasers to be clean... so I will rub them on a clean piece of paper until the eraser is white.

4. I whistle by sucking air in instead of out.

5.*thinks* hmmm. I forget what I am saying in the middle of a sentence... and then I can never remember what I wanted to say. like how I forgot what my 5th quirk was. haha.

ok so that was my 5 quirks.

hmm... mello. Nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy so... I guess you can't say that I get nothing in return yar? hahaha.

promos are over!

2005-10-07T23:57:00.000+08:00

incase you guys have been wondering how come my blog has been pretty stagnant for a while...
this is the reason:
27 Sep-General Paper
28 Sep- AO Chinese
4 Oct- Bio Spa
5 Oct- Physics
6 Oct- Bio and Chem
7 Oct- Mathematics
10 Oct- Physics spa

sigh. promos. are finally over. Physics spa is not really counted. haha.
now to focus on PW and AO chinese.

teacher's day

2005-09-02T00:24:00.000+08:00

teacher's day is finally over.
two months of hard work gone in less than an hour
but at least the comments I heard so far was good
Well done guys!

Im missing GB and Charm so much

after the teachers' day concert
met mel for spag dinner.
noodles was half cooked (her fault)
and there was too much oil (my fault)
(so I guess we are even)
but all in all mel just being there made up for all

met gen and van to study today
Thai Express. yummy
Starbucks cheescake Yummy yummy
Jean puts on weight.
Im serious.
I just checked.
I need to lose weight.
ok. I know mel will have something to say abt this

don't feel like sleeping.
I am neglecting my work
at least 4 tutorials behind for all subjects except bio.
bleah.
I need to start learning how to multi task
Particularly during lectures. write and understand at the same time

I just realised that I really am I lousy listener
sometimes its not that I don't want to listen,
but maybe cos I dun ask questions
so the other person thinks that I'd rather not listen
but really I want to listen.
or maybe ppl think I m too perfect to understand?
but Im not. I have my own problems too.
but why don't I talk about them?
cos I don't want to bother them?
cos I don't want to sound selfish and whinny?
and I also realised what I jealous heart I have
why does the attention have to be on me all the time?
why do I crave getting compliments from other ppl?
why do ppl's impression of me matter so much?
all I have is head knowledge.
application?
.
.
.
I don't know.

valediction

2005-08-07T01:07:00.000+08:00

To: chris and van.

Valediction

A very good evening to our guest of honour , Our principal Mrs Marion Tan, Vice-Principal Mrs Sylvia Khoo, distinguished guests, teachers, parents and friends. It is indeed a great honour to be here today, to represent the class of 2004.

Firstly, I would like to thank God for placing me in this school.
For many of us who have left her gates, St. Margaret’s was not just a school. St. Margaret’s was more of a home, a place of happiness and warmth, a place that we have grown to love, and a place that will always be dear in our hearts.

Looking back, there is much to be thankful for.

We thank the teachers, for their unstinting support, for the care and encouragement showered on us. They continually pushed us to achieve greater heights because they believed in us. Truly, we would not be here today without them. Teachers, we thank you for being part of this fundamental chapter of our lives.

We also have to be thankful for our friends, our classmates, our sisters in the family. In our years in St. Margaret’s, we have grown to be so close to each other. We supported each other in times of sorrow, anxiety or happiness. Together, we weathered storms and witnessed beautiful rainbows.

I would especially like to thank my classmates: they were the ones who wiped my tears away when I was sad, motivated me to keep striving when I was tired. As the song goes…

They raised me up, so I could stand on mountains.
They raised me up, to walk on stormy seas,
I am strong when I am on your shoulders,
They raised me up to be more than I can be.
Indeed, everything I am today, I owe it all to them.

Lastly, I would like to share a word of encouragement with my fellow school mates here today. What is important in life is not where we are, but in the direction we are moving. The process is as important as the outcome, so take time to think big, to dream, to have the courage to take risks. Make time for others around you and reach for the stars. If you put your heart and soul into it, God will help you make your dreams come true.

Thank you and God bless.

Summarise!

2005-08-05T22:34:00.000+08:00

tired.

Cramps.

SFC drama was good.
Fawn, emm, jing hui, anna were beautiful
I miss GB.

national day rehearsal.
poor ian, but well done today
reach out for the stars
New fundance is cool.

Functions meeting
2h.
hope Im not stressing them out

teacher's dance is hard
Can't catch
Blame it on my poor psychomotor skills

got to know some people better.

have to wake up early tmr.
return shirts to GB girls
sorry for all the trouble caused
love you guys.

JC talk tomorrow.
what to say what to say?
VP will be there.
oh no.

just some ramblings

2005-07-28T20:19:00.000+08:00

what would you do, if one day I left,
vanished, even before we said goodbye?
Would your soul drown in anguish?
Would tears come to your eyes?
Would it not affect you at all?

Just thinking about what it would be like if I died. before you guys start panicking and wondering whether Im turning psychotic, don't worry Im fine. It's just one of those things you do when you're supposed to do work but too tired to do it and you're mind gets impatient and you start wondering about strange things.

I guess, if I did die, ppl will attend my funeral. at the funeral, people will recall stuff about me and start getting all worked up and sad. the thing I don't get, is that, I won't be there to hear it. Funny how we only appreciate people after they leave us forever? which led me to move on the think about what my funeral will be like.

bright colours, white, blue, yellow, red. shades. Not just dull black.
what use is it if people talk about about me? I think it would be more meaningful if people started appreciating people around them better. so, wouldn't it be more appropriate to have each person say something nice about another person instead? encouragement goes a long long way. and its much more value added when said to a person who is alive and kicking, rather than a dead person right?

who knows when and where you will go? better is one day in Your courts than thousands else where.

just another scandel therapeutic session

2005-07-23T09:30:00.000+08:00

what can I say, yesterday was such a therapeutic session. hope its not just me feeling that way. Man.. wish I could just turn back time. Its so comfortable in st margs. everything just fits. but anyways, yesterday was st. margs 163 speech day! and half the prize winners were from 4/6!!! haha. or at least I like to think so. :D Was so proud of you guys... did you hear me screamin?! why do they always put me so far away from the rest of u guys. I screamed until everybody else around me was giving me funny looks. AAaaaaaaaaaaaAAAaH I love 4/6.

did I tell you that Mdm Yow made me change my socks. haha! walked into the staff room to practice speech with mrs seet, she saw me and scolded me for not wearing socks. then she gave me her pair of socks and told me to wear over my ankle socks. like?!! so I tried to get out of it by telling her that I'll wear it later, but she said no and made me wear it in front of her. haha! who ever heard of a graduate wearing two pairs of socks just to go on stage? sigh.

Mel, I screamed to loudest for you! and you still didn't hear me. sobs.

Janet, I clapped the loudest for you!

gen, I never really saw a hammy go on stage before, so I was kind of stunned when you walked up. :D

Bev, I smiled to most, literally ear to ear for you. plus claps of course.

JP, I laughed the loudest for you. heh. you'll always be my chio bu and fav class monitress.

just so to let you know, e description of me was a tad exaggerated, ok. very exaggerated. when I heard the thing on stage those nearby would have seen my face screwed up. You know the apprehensive and one eye brow up-huh? expression. I guess many people just gave me the opportunity to participate in many things. Thanks to everybody who has crossed my path, may God bless you so you will be able to cross the paths of many others.

dance performance. hmm... the dances have gotten more... abstract these few months eh? what abt fallen angels. er. ok. whatever. disapprove. If being abstract means dancing like that, can we stick to traditional dance forms please? cha cha (even with the chilli cha cha song) is better. one thing really impressed me though! did anybody notice the chinese girl in indian dance?! I was so amused! that girl really has some spunk! and she can shake quite well too. round of applause for her.

T went to the speech day, and left without saying anything. prolly cos I told T not to come so T was scared that I will be angry. would I have gotten angry, nope I don't think so. waiting for T to tell me that she was actually there. I mean, come on, since ur there might as well come and say hi right? and why hide it from me? its just being plain silly. T's either totally obedient, or totally rigid. or Im I not seeing something I should? argh. can't be bothered.

I love the gift!!! its's so lovely, a bit hard to carry, but man... you guys esp mel, thanks for taking time off busy schedules to do it. love you!!!! haha. after the event and lots of phototaking, we trooped of to macs, though we had to run back and forth and the junction to pick up photos from the gift, it was fun. it was like one mass scandel session at macs. woo... haha. not telling you. must protect the identidy of the scandees. but it was really fun! woo! haha. came back feeling so high I even went online! in soooo... long.

new fears

2005-07-04T23:06:00.000+08:00

Third term has barely begun and Im beginning to feel the pressure building up. my first Bio spa is tomorrow, my chinese orals is on wednesday and I have commendation practice everyday until 8. I really can't wait till jc is over. I can't wait to stretch out my wings to fly. to get out of here.

I get afraid when I hear about people's expectations for me. so afraid that sometimes, it makes me hide away to one corner, and subconciously I tell myself that I can't do it. Its a mixed feeling. What Van said is right, its my fault, I raised that bar myself. and I shouldn't be afraid because I was just being myself in the past, so if Im myself now, I won't let ppl down. but yet, there's still this strong sinking feeling in my heart. Im not me anymore, the enthusiastic, confident,self-motivated me is gone. and no matter how hard I try I can't bring her back. I hide away afraid to show my weaknesses, instead of facing up to them. why? I keep thinking, you know the parable of the talents, is it cos of my initial thoughts of slacking and not reaching out for positions and power, that God is taking away what I already had? because Im not using the talents that he has given me? Im so confused.

I know that others will be looking at me, judging my every move,criticising every mistake I make? why do people think so highly of me? the truth is Im not. and when I tell them Im not nobody believes me and when I disappoint them, finally their impression changes. I can't bear to disappoint anybody else. Once during posting is enough, I had enough.

Just be myself. just rely on God.

keep close to Him and things will work itself out. Just like it always had.

more thoughts

2005-06-13T09:16:00.000+08:00

my greatest weakness is not wanting others to see my weaknesses.

tough week

2005-06-13T00:11:00.000+08:00

Council Camp
One of the hardest camp I've ever attended, and we survived!
Despite all the pumping we got, the seeds we had to pick up, and the 12 hour walk, at the end of the day, I think we all had fun, and we bonded quite well. But then again, I have a feeling that once the exco list is out, the politics will begin, then we'll see if we are truly bonded as the 28th.

This camp has also made me realise how weak I am. So much weakness, so many times I wanted to give up, I wanted to be bitter, I wanted to lie to get out of doing something. and then He spoke to me, and at the most ackward time. While we were doing push ups, I was close to breaking down, but I heard Him telling me that I needn't be afraid, that my strength is from Him. People say mind over matter, while others rely on their mental strength to get them through trials and tough times, I know that I have God to rely on. And that is just so comforting, because then you know that you are never alone and you don't only have to depend on yourself.

Girls Brigade camp

haha... now I know why mk says that our girls are quite colourless. haha. I think they just lack experience that's all. they'll get better. :) but anyway... that's not what I want to talk about. Charmaine and I had time to catch up with one another, sharing about our insecurities of being officers, what we're going to do in the future. haha. after not seeing her for so long, I kind of miss the little things that Charm does. her hyenatic laughter, the blur expressions that she gives to me when I talk about some things, her wanting to hug everybody but me. :( haha..

Can't say that everything was smooth when we were working together, because of my selfishness and insecurity, unfortunately, there were certain issues that surfaced. but now I realise, that charm is one understanding person, to be able to support me all this way. The same way how she can't see herself in GB without me, I can't see myself in gb without her. It just doesn't seem right. Although, this is not what I told her. I told her that she'll make a great officer, even if I wasn't around, because the talent and qualities are in her. but you know, how some things just don't seem right, if she's not around. and I guess its the same for her?

Just next to you
Thank you eunice, for that song... its really very sweet of you. Love ya... first time somebody write song for me...

New thoughts . . .
just some new stuff that I found out about myself.
An introvert, will always be an introvert. I thought I was better, I reallly did, but no. I still find it so difficult to express how I feel, to tell people that I appreciate them and love them. I don't know why? I'll be thinking of all these things to say to a person, and finally when I get the chance to, the words just don't come out. even to my best friends... Im not sociable like others, I can't strike a conversation from out of thin air, I end up keeping quiet, and keeping things to myself, or not knowing what to say. It's so frustrating.

I don't know myself enough. I don't know what I want, who I am, what I like, what I don't like. can anyone be more screwed than me? Im not thinking, its as if my mind has shut down or something, I can't infer into things, I take things on surface level, I think the whole world is nice and there is some good point in everyone except me. somebody tell me why Im feeling this way?
It's fine if I can't read myself, but why can't I even read others? how to reach out to them if I can't even sense how they are feeling? Im such a selfish pig. count the number of times I used the word I in this blog entry. I don't have my own style, I copy others'. maybe the one who is truly colourless is me.

colourless.

unsure.

insecure.

characterless..

Who is the real me?

Where is the real me?

facing challenges

2005-05-25T23:11:00.000+08:00

got into council. And having second thoughts about it, why? I don't know? maybe Im scared of the challenges that will be staring at me in the face in the near future. maybe Im scared of not meeting up to other people's expectations. maybe Im just tired. whatever the case, can't back out now. Im doing my self psychoing again. I could pass the next year grumpy, unsatisfied, terrified, and tiring myself out, with nothing accomplished. or I could put in my heart and soul, trust in Him that everything will work out, have a good attitude about it, and maybe I'll still be tired, but at least I know I did well.

I really admire a person I know. There's nothing wrong with being afraid of pain. everybody is, Jesus was. he is. but what determines the weak from the strong, is the ability to put urself willingly through training and suffering despite all the sacrifices. blisters on his hands are proof of how hard he's worked, but it doesn't discourage him, it spurs him to press on. He hates running, but does it because it teaches him to persevere on. how many people can do that?

Heard a story during morning worship today.

can't remember the whole thing exactly, but the gist of it is this:
A lady noticed a silversmith sitting by the furnace. so she went over and asked the silversmith whether he really had to sit there in order to refine the silver.
The silversmith replied: "yes of course, I sit and keep watch over the silver in the furnace because if the silver is left for even a second too long, it will get injured."
the lady thanked the silversmith and turned to walk away,
but the silversmith called out to her and said," oh I almost forgot to tell you. The best way to know when the silver is pure is when I can see my reflection in it."

God is the silversmith. He subjects all of us to the furnace for refining and purifying.
But, he always has his eye on us, he is always watching over us, he will put us through suffering, pain, trials, but he will never allow the fire to destroy us.

can we rise up to the challenge to allow God to purify us so that we can be a reflection of his love?

cricket match

2005-05-13T23:50:00.000+08:00

this was a tiring week. as usual. but today, a group of us went to watch tennis and cricket match. Fun. We stood at the map at Farrer Park mrt station for 20min, arguing about which direction to go to get to the tennis courts. haha. After the prize presentation for cricket, we waited for kenneth to go change so we could all go out for dinner. so abas and later kenneth taught me how to hit the cricket ball with the bat. haha. missed the first two balls that kenneth threw for me, but I hit the third one and sent the ball straight into his chest. haha. ops. sorry kenneth. You can keep the deep heat rub... courtesy of jean kwek. haha. sorry. sorry. then we all went for dinner at lido, and took neos. quite fun.

my heart aches. I've been a bad friend. sorry dear. Im sorry I can't answer your questions, Im sorry I can't heal you, Im sorry that I even have to say sorry. let's meet up someday ok? miss those days.

mother's day

2005-05-08T20:25:00.000+08:00

when I was 8 yrs old, my aunty came to visit from US, that night on the day she arrived, I was allowed to sleep over with her. I remember running to my mum telling her that I was so happy that aunty tucked me in to bed and came to check on me during the night.

Almost 10 years down the road, My mum still remembers the event. And I only found out because somebody told me. She still remembers the little girl who was so thrilled that her aunty tucked her in and helped to cover her blanket during the night, but forgot that her own mother does it every night. After so long, she still remembers it as clearly as if it happened just yesterday, exactly how much hurt did I cause her when those words came out of my mouth? I never knew....

Im feeling a deep sense of guilt. I never did tell her how much I appreciated her. I work harder at trying to make a friendship go well then trying to please her and to tell her that she's precious to me, but why are words so hard in coming when you really need them?

opened eyes, broken heart

2005-05-07T13:38:00.000+08:00

As I get older, the realities of life become clearer. Things truly aren't what they are at surface level, there's always another side below the depths. Like a crocodile below the surface of murky water. When someone told me that she was struggling with christianity and thinking of falling away, I was terrified, shocked, hurt, I just didn't understand. but now I see why. How some ppl can have christ and God rolling off their tongues, lift their hands during worship, close their eyes, filled with emotion for God but yet hurt others so much by the things they say. or to put it simply, start bitching about others. aren't they judging ppl, but Im I judging them the same way they do to ppl?

God is opening my eyes to how fake the world can get. That I can't trust whatever I see on the surface. And I get so angry. Self righteous christians who tarnish the name of God. In the past it was all head knowledge to live as examples for God. Now I see the true importance of it. How many people have turned away because of the actions of these self-claimed christians?It really hurts. I don't want to be a self-claimed christian but this really makes me wonder if I sometimes do that? Do I? Im so afraid. Have I ever done something that has caused others to sin? Have I ever said bad things in anger about somebody?

I know and Im sure it is You whom I believe in and I know that you are real, help me live a life for you. Give me courage to stand up for you, to do what you will be pleased with.

I miss all of you so much, you people were never selfish, never guarding knowledge for urself, we were one big family, we all worked hard together, our hope was for all of us to do well not individual achievement, we spured each other on, some ran ahead, but they always turned back to encourage those behind them along. now I realise how much I took for granted. My eyes have been opened, I used to think that it took me too long to trust others, well maybe I don't,I trust too easily. how many times have I been hurt this year because of my naivity, because I take people for what they are at the surface level?

I look at little children and envy them. The love they show is pure love, no pretences, no regrets. When they love someone, they love them with all their heart and soul. Innocence. How precious a gift. I want to love like they do, but its getting more and more difficult. My heart is broken... crushed by this life.

When we love, it is not guaranteed that we will be loved in return, but God continues to love us and in his strength we can do the same. Im claiming this promise Lord. God is indeed great to be able to love sinners like us. people who have betrayed, disobeyed, bitched, hurt, refused to acknowledge him, and he loves us with unending love.

juggling with life

2005-05-02T23:41:00.000+08:00

getting my piorities all wrong. let's see now... its supposed to be God, Family and friends, Studies, CCA. right. focus. focus. I can't seem to concentrate these past weeks. When I take out my notes and books the words just become a blur and my mind goes floating to outerspace. I need to focus. Pray for discipline and focus. commitment to the things that Im suppose to do.

Told a few lies this week. to put it harshly, I was being a big hypocrite this week.

what's becoming of me? what happened to keeping God's word? why Im I so unfocused?

help. Im falling.

Lord you catch me when Im falling,
And you told me who I am,
I am Yours.

oxymoronic nose

2005-04-28T13:28:00.000+08:00

didn't go to school today. sick. down with an oxy-moronic nose that can't decide whether it wants to be blocked or runny. haven't been blogging cos of school work and all. Just spent the morning doing my PI.

why is it that when ur not blogging, u have a lot of things to blog about, but when you finally get online, you suddenly have nothing to write about? Its like how you can think of tonnes of questions to ask someone, but when you finally meet up, you can't remember what you wanted to ask.

have been feeling insecure lately, wondering whether I mean something to people around me, suddenly it doesn't seem clear anymore. but I think as usual I think too much, I read too much into things. Just realised, how jealous and selfish I can be. I really admire people who can make everybody feel comfortable around them in a flash, its such a useful skill which I don't possess. I take so long to adapt and Im so dependent on people. how to survive like that?! when will I ever learn?

oh man, mel, chris, gen, janet, bev, vk.... I really miss e old times. can we ever turn back to clock? I can't believe it, even after 4 months in jc? Im still clinging on to the past. what is the problem with me?!

Im not happy with this blog entry at all. everything is wrong about it.

My confession

2005-04-27T00:10:00.000+08:00

Josh Groban- My confession

I have been blind, unwilling to see
The true love you're giving.
I have ignored every blessing.
I'm on my knees confessing

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

I have been wrong about you.
Thought I was strong without you.
For so long nothing could move me.
For so long nothing could change me.
Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am captured by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

[bridge:]
You are the air that I breath.
You're the ground beneath my feet.
When did I stop believing?

Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
Hear my confession

eating spree and soccer matches

2005-04-18T21:04:00.000+08:00

on sunday, we went for an eating spree! after class we went to paragon Nooch, then after that Yj and I went off for a movie, gosh they're so sweet together. haha. so the rest of us went to din tai feng and finished 30 xiao long baos. had to endure comments like, "wah I didn't know you eat so much one leh. and when are u gg to be full?" e xiao long baos are so small la! wait... that's not the end. We proceeded with gelato after that. haha. but Kat, drey and I shared a regular cup la.

After lunch, the guys wanted to go arcade so the girls just tagged along. ahah.. was fun watching how violent the guys can be. haha...

Soccer match today. SA vs AC. very close fight, 1 nil in favour of Sa. after Sa scored one goal, Ac got really agressive, kept shooting, and they were so close to scoring a few goals, but sa goal keeper was good. Im not boasting, come down and see for urself, he's good. e spirit was higher today, the councilors waved more flags, e sfc ppl brought down a drum to drown the pathetic pail- cylinder- looking like thing that ac brought. haha. but to give them some credit, their cheerleaders were loud. sports really brings a college together. haha.

anne of green gables

2005-04-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

went to anne of green gables today. Good seats.. haha. we were quite casual about our dressing. maybe more of smart casual, but when we got there we got a shock of our lives. Our juniors were dressed to the nines. Apparently the school told them that they had to be dressed very formally so most of them looked like they were ready for prom. styled hair, halter dresses, shauls. We walked into the toilet and there was this girl with her huge make up box, helping her frens do their make up. like huh?! win liao la. E production... e girls worked hard, so I would say, its a good job done, entertaining, but I can't help it that I've been spoiled by professional musicals, I couldn't help noticing that the singing was a little off key. but nonetheless, Im so proud of the cast and crew. really well done. e fact that we can stage a production is a very big feat. :)

C4 today... was more of a bio lesson haha. but we also played Yahtzee... that was fun! our grp won e donuts!

haven't been doing much work lately.. must start bucking up...

to anyone who is feeling down, lost, bitter, it might no seem that way but God is always around, its just that its us who is deaf to his still small voice, so stretch out ur hand and call out to God, and you'll find gentle hands catching you. and these hands will never let go, most of the time we let go first. it is my prayer that we never lose this focus, when the journey is hard and long. May He be ur light in the darkness.

daddy's birthday

2005-04-10T19:15:00.000+08:00

Daddy's birthday today. went for lunch after church. haha funny. mum wanted me to ask T along. I guess its all in a bid to try to find out what T is like. so I smsed T and T didn't reply me... T went straight to my mum to ask. haha. keep telling her we're frens, but so anyway... some other church ppl went too, so now they are probably thinking that we're not just frens. this is so embarrassing. but my stand is clear. not gg to commit to anything now or in the next few years. that's final.

Dad's going for an op tmr at 8.30. to put a splint to prevent his coronary artery from being blocked. sounds painful, but he assures me that it doesn't hurt. well if it doesn't hurt then they wouldn't put him under local right? guess he doesn't want us to worry bout him. He'll be staying in the hospital for 2 days, so might go and visit him after school. Keep him in prayer ok? wisdom for the doctors, smooth operation, quick healing.

I think mum's worried, but she tries not to show it. its understandable, its quite a major op. but some how Im not very scared or worried, cos i know everything is in God's hands... seems as though I couldn't care less right? I sincerely believe that He will be fine, just hope nothing goes wrong during the op. wonder how my dad is feeling abt it.

Euthanesia is wrong, cos its putting value to someone's life, and all life is precious and God given, therefore it is wrong. so in that way, having a low self esteem... thinking that ur own life is not valuable, that ur the smallest thing on this earth. isn't that putting value to ur own life? so is that wrong too?

gratitude expressed to DM

2005-04-06T17:25:00.000+08:00

er hrm.... oh... I would like to thank DM... for the wonderful momento HE left on my foolscap paper. its a suitable reminder to how lame, bored and crappy HE can get.

p.s. have I made it up to u for the gender confusion? :D

easter week

2005-04-06T17:09:00.000+08:00

first week of school. Got to meet my new class mates, half of them are scholars but they are pretty ok. One good thing is that most of the class are christians, so we can fellowships in the chapel library. Just had one today, quite fun. We shared what our individual dreams were and prayed for the events organised for easter week.

these few days, it seems as i've been jinxed. maybe Im just blur la. first, sunday. Was supposed to alight e mrt at yio chu kang, was so caught up with talking to dad, went to khatib, so had to ride e mrt back to yck. Second, mon, took e 855 from harbour front home.. slept in the bus, woke up when the bus was at Yishun Sports Centre. sigh.. but met Puay yong there. so maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. Third, today.just when I stepped out of school to walk to the bus stop, it started raining cats and dogs. drenched by the time I reached the bus stop. Then... the bus had to break down. sigh. so got wet a second time waiting for another 855.

can't wait for tmr. LIFE CONCERT! can't wait to see mel again. ok... my focus is all wrong. Life concert is abt praising God. haha. oh well. I can't wait to see mel!

induction and orientation

2005-03-31T23:14:00.000+08:00

super tired after 2 days of induction and 2 days of orientation. But I guess I had fun. lectures start tmr but the days are quite slack. I miss u mel!!

might have lost a bit of self control during orientation... I think lots of ppl didn't expect me to be so mad. my cgl was looking at me in astonishment during the last part of the finale today. so embarrassing. aaah... but oh well... I shall go back to being reserved tmr. haha.

easter

2005-03-25T01:18:00.000+08:00

its easter... my head is spinning but I dun feel like sleeping. I've got so much to say but I dun know how to say it. Mel, you are God's gift to me. Ur an angel. my angel. If e ppl in hc dun see that, they must be so blind, deaf, mute, dumb... u name it and thats what they are.

Courage, hope, submission

2005-03-23T22:41:00.000+08:00

Courage
"This is courage… to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends."- Euripedes

Didn't get a call from Hc. How great a disappointment and irony it is isn't it? Felt crummy cos I felt like I let a lot of ppl down and others were saying that I deserved to go to a better school.Maybe I made a wrong decision during the first intake? Maybe I should have put in other choices?

Lay on my bed, my blanket is damp with tears. Talked to my parents, confessed that I felt like I disappointed them, cried a whole lot more. And finally after much encouragement from them, I think I've come to terms with it. God must have a purpose for putting me in sa, perhaps he wants me to focus on my spiritual walk with him, perhaps this might spur me on to continue to work hard, but I will learn to trust him and know that he knows what is best for me. Submission to God takes more courage and faith then any other thing.

[mel] thanks for putting in so much effort and showing so much support for me that day... it almost seemed like you were the one appealing and not me. thanks dear. help me thank your mum too. :) May God bless you richly.
[vank] Don't look down on urself, cos u've been a great fren, and every sms u send me is a show of ur care and concern for me and I can't tell u how thankful I am for you. You've made this transition so much easier and ur God's gift to me and the answer to my prayers. sometimes when I'm feeling down, ur the one who reminds me of how much God loves me, and you don't know how much that helps.

Hope
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."- George Iles

brighter thoughts

2005-03-21T21:21:00.000+08:00

cough cough. down with cough and running nose. again. What's wrong with me this year? Went out with Vank and gen today. Ate at Thai Express for lunch, and for Vank that was the third time in four days? ahha. but we had fun.

Posting results coming out soon. nervous. guess I'll find out soon where I'll go.

feeling better now. He has answered my prayers!

U know what? truly in the midst of suffering can u experience God's love so much more. and in the past month, I really felt His presence. to those of you who might be facing problems, don't dispair, God will hold your hand and bring you through, and when you look back, you'll see how much He'd actually carried you.

overslept.sick

2005-03-21T08:56:00.000+08:00

last day of school at sajc and I'm missing it. I'm kicking myself now. Vank I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. I left you alone again. sorry!

aftermath

2005-03-18T23:42:00.000+08:00

mood was swingy again. on the bus to school kept tearing. but then later, after speaking to mel felt so much better.Thanks bf! [bestfriend... just incase u were wondering!] seriously, meeting with 4/6 is therapeutic.

I smiled before u turned ur back toward me, but strangely I started hurting. now, I've reflected, and much of the pain is self inflicted. It's all abt Me being selfish. So what if I wasn't the top piority in ur life? Its not like u were top priority in mine. that's one problem solved. and God has really made everything out to be fitting. suddenly all that has happened makes sense. I finally know the answer now. Wait. I will wait, and in due time, I believe He has a greater plan for me.

mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel mel
ur still my fairy God mother. understanding and protective. If I ever forget u... I hereby give u permission to hang me upside down from the ceiling. Love ya!

drowning thoughts

2005-03-17T23:53:00.000+08:00

have you ever got the feeling when u just want to break down and cry? not just cry, but really sob... lean into the arms of a true friend and sob? I wish I could. I really do. Not sure why, but I'm in desperate need to cry now. What happened to all the positiveness? How come it doesn't work anymore? I keep telling myself that God has answered my prayer... everything will be fine but how come all I want to be is selfish, think only for myself and make myself feel even worse?

I'm just a piece of glass pretending to be plastic. That's what I am. People think I'm strong, people think Im the happiest person on earth. But I break... and I crumble. I'm human. with uncountable weaknesses. Its strange how when one bad thing comes into ur life, other negativities suddenly come pouring in, flooding ur head, and all u want to do is just crumble. And suddenly, ur alone. I've never felt so alone before... who can I tell? who will understand? Then this makes me think back on all those ppl who have shared their problems with me. I know they are hurting inside. Do they feel alone? Did I really help to make that difference? Did I even help to take away the pain? I want so much too... but now I understand that maybe all I did was maybe nothing. maybe all I did was judge them.

my heart cries out. I'm reaching out.u promised to my hand. only you can heal me. my light in the darkness. my strength.myhope.

Just Reach Out

2005-03-13T15:10:00.000+08:00

GB was on sat instead cos on fri the girls had learning journey. Then after GB I found out that there was JRO. so I went for JRO instead of C4.

was visiting a old malay lady's house when ms ling's group came as well. Then ms ling told me of an idea she had. She just came from another malay family's house and she started to share. The malay lady there has a 4 year old son and her husband has mixed with bad company and the malay lady is worried that her son will get influenced by these vices. Because of that, she has become open to letting her son go to church. So ms ling thought ok setting up a play group on sundays from abt 1.30-3 for the children living in this area and hopefully to spread God's love to them. The problem would be getting the manpowered needed for this, and this is a long term commitment.

God has opened this woman's heart, how can we not do anything about it? Is this a calling for me? It can't be so coincidental that they suddenly roped me in to be in c4 so I don't need to attend pathfinders. I wouldn't have been free during the time period if I was in pathfinders, but now I am. Lord, are you trying to tell me something? Show me the way.

halfday.pics.throwing shoe.feeling high

2005-03-11T21:47:00.000+08:00

Last day of the term, so it was a half day. ended school at 11.45. haha.we spent the last half hour of the day taking pictures. LJ wanted to take a picture of him kicking me. so when he pretended to kick me, I pulled off his shoe and threw it onto the track.then Vank ran to take his shoe and threw it into the bushes. haha. poor LJ.

Vank and I spent the afternoon together, eating slacking, gg to the library to borrow books. Met L at the library. she looks the same though prettier. she's in ac now. Seems like lots of ppl I know are in acjc.Then we went to mel's place, she was busy so we helped ourselves to her bed and sprawled all over it, slept for an hour plus. Vank and I went a bit high, kept laughing over the smallest things.

wonder when we can do this again. with you ppl. as we grow older, each day we are exposed to a little more abt the reality of this life. no more just black and white, just shades of grey. nothing is absolute. where do we stand in this zone? How can we be a light in this thick mist of dirty grey where nothing seems wrong, or right? Holding on to God's word, some might say. but I keep sliding back. I failed once again. I cry out to the living God to keep me, to forgive.relight that passion for him again but I'm so ashamed. so ashamed.

A series of mischievous events

2005-03-09T21:05:00.000+08:00

A series of Mischievous events
my whole class ponned Chem lecture today, so we all sat in the cafe, talking, playing scrabble and taking pictures. was feeling a little sleepy, was probably the cough mixture acting up, so there I was, lying on the canteen table, not talking to anyone, not bothering anyone. When suddenly this little five cent coin comes and hits me.. and falls off the table. I look up. LJ and J acting all innocent. I bent down to pick up that five cent. another five cent comes shooting in my direction and off the table. Soon, I rain of five cents came, each one aimmed at me (like what did I do right?!?) Patiently... I picked up each five cent and kept it... Then when I collected about 45cents worth of 5 cents, I threw them one by one back at LJ. some hit him on the head la, and he claims that those made a sound when it hit his head. LJ retaliated and threw the coins back at me. and so it should happen that one coin fell down my shirt and into my bra. was so irritated and a little embarrassed. luckily the coin came out ok? cos I was looking down my shirt in front of so many ppl and untucking my shirt and tucking my shirt back. and all this time LJ was laughing like a maniac. so I walked up to him, took off my shoe and started hitting him.ok so much for childish behaviour and I do feel a little bad about it ok? oh well... but it might be last week at SA so ah well... I shall try to make the best out of it.

later during bio lect. LJ has this habit of putting his foot on the armrest of the chair infront of him, so I took my pen and I drew a line on his shoes. haha. then I felt bad again so I took out my blanko and told him I'll help him liquid it off. but I think they thought it was a joke so they started laughing and LJ just rubbed it off with his hand and said nvm its ok. haha. man... I'm so evil right? I should be a nicer person.

During one of the breaks, after eating, HL and G went to return their plates, so HL passed her purse to me to watch over it. But when she came back, I refused to give it back to her and I went around saying that I was happy cos I was richer now. haha. just playing around. Then we had to go for chinese class so I chucked my wallet and her pouch into my bag. haha After school, I stayed back for SFC, and I discovered that I forgot to return her the pouch. And she was at the science centre, at the meet the Scientist session with no money. lucky she keeps her easy link in another place. oh man! I felt sooo... so bad... I never meant to take her purse for so long. I'm so so so evil... haha.

sway day

2005-03-09T18:18:00.000+08:00

First, I'm on the verge of losing my voice. second, I have an essay to write on The Greatest Influence in my Life. Third, I was a major klutz today, almost tripped on the stairs in LT1. Fourth, while I was with Vank and Jing hui in the canteen, a bird flew past... and it just had to let go while flying past above me.SPLAT! so I had droppings on my arm, sleeve and shirt... laughed it off by saying it was God's humour and that at least its organic matter so the stain can be washed off... talk abt having a long day...

Who am I?

2005-03-05T15:10:00.000+08:00

Who am I?

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapour in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love

And watch me rise again

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

To God be all glory forever and ever because His love is great and unchanging.

my brain leans female. duh

2005-03-04T09:50:00.000+08:00

Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male

Your brain leans female
You think with your heart, not your head
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/genderbrainquiz/">What Gender Is Your Brain?

OG outing

2005-03-03T23:22:00.000+08:00

Og outing today. Ate at pastamania, again. haha. after all that discussion of wanting to go to some fancy restaurant. haha but I guess none of us have the financial ability to do so. After eating, we watched Hitch. its hilarious. The jokes are not the usual cliches, and Will Smith does a great job. After the movie, the girls went to jalan at far east. Gen, Huiling, Wei wei and I gave up after a while, so we sat at Gelare and ate ice cream. haha...

the hot topic for this week will probably be results and which school to apply to. people say you never really know how good something is until you lose it. and suddenly, I'm really sad to leave Sa. to leave the people, the uniform. :D hey.. you can't deny that SA does have the best uniform out of all the jcs. just that day I was walking around Hc with ally.. and we sat at the stand near the track. I thought about SA's track. Its not as nice as hc's track, infact, its dirty, pieces of it are falling out and there are cracks everywhere, but I missed it. or rather, missed SA.

I really don't know what the future holds. but I trust you Lord. I'm weak. I fear the unknown. I fear leaving my comfort zone. but if it means learning to place my security in you alone, you take my hand and bring me through it all.

JAE

2005-03-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

The server for the JAE registration is so slow. it has been stagnant for 45 minutes. I think I will wake up tomorrow to do it. Give me some more time to think about which school to choose. haha. crashed hcjc today. ppl there don't seem as friendly as the ppl in sajc but the teachers and notes are definitely better. Don't sure if I will be able to catch up if I go to hc or rj. shall borrow notes from janet and mel and try to catch up.

life is a confusing mess. when will we be released from our chains? Betrayed by the very things that can make you feel like you're on the top of the world. Feelings. Feelings. how exactly do we get those? can it be controlled? can it be subdued? more then often, emotions get the better of us. heart or mind? both are equally dangerous. both are indecisive. They hardly see eye to eye, hardly ever come to a common agreement. mess. Life is a mess.

.

2005-03-01T21:40:00.000+08:00

mel stayed over again for another night. so after a night of dvds, we went out again! this time to jurong point haha... if only we could live like that everyday... the life of idleness hasn't been so tempting before.

ask me who the greatest man on earth is. I'll say its my daddy! got home today and saw a beautiful bouquet of blue roses and roches on my desk. opened the card and it was from my dad. and he's not even in singapore! sent him an sms to thank him and this is what he replied:
"You are welcome. that's the least I can do since I cannot be in s'pore to give u hugs and kisses. Btw, please walk thru the thought process of ur JC selection with Mom. My input, social norms and prejudice still exist its count in later years when looking for Career that society tend to pick candidates based on school repute. So I think u need to challenge urself to get out of comfort zone and start early to leverage off ur good grades. God gave u the grades to equip u to take harder challenges. Don't waste his gifts. said a lot. Decision is urs to make."

my dad. he has this uncanny ability to understand. He might not always be around, he might not always remember when my birthday is, but he definitely knows how to provide for us. He knows exactly what will make us smile. He knows when to let go and when to pull the reins. and its not just provision of material needs... the bouquet doesn't matter... its the fact that he knows what makes people smile, that he is constantly thinking abt u even when he is miles away.

Rachel's tears

2005-02-25T23:00:00.000+08:00

Reading a book at the moment entitled Rachel's tears. She was one of thirteen people who were martyred in Columbine in 1999. She was a christian and she wrote about God and her feelings towards Him in her note book and on scraps of paper that she stuck everywhere in her room. Still reading it, so not much to comment, but when I finish you can expect some of my thoughts and comments here. so far... I can just say that Im kind of asking the same questions she asked.

had meeting after GB today. and at the end, Dm wanted to arrow somebody to do the closing prayer since she was arrowed to do the opening prayer... and sy was on her right. I had this strange feeling that she will pick me. so when she pointed to her right, my face must have been so transparent, I think I showed that I was quite happy that it was not me. then she said suddenly said," I think we shall have jean." then I was like "Wa lau..." kena saboed. yeah so no choice must close. after the prayer, sy laughed at me. oh well. I should learn to hide this transparent face of mine.

is t angry with me? i keep brushing him aside. I really don't know why I act so differently in front of t. why? why? Vank... I think I am hurting inside. why am I so bad at showing appreciation and concern for the ppl?

:)

2005-02-23T17:54:00.000+08:00

aaah... so sian. Don't know why but this week I just don't feel like studying. I sit at my desk with the notes in front and I stone. so anyways... no point taking the tests this week cause I know what the results will be. :) Where did I get this slacker cum escapist cum procrastinator attitude?!?! This is bad. I am unhappy with myself.

Quit SFC . I guess God does work in his own way, somehow I just didn't feel a passion for SFC and I keep feeling that GB is what He wants me to do? as Charm said, it doesn't matter which or where, but I can serve God in every aspect of my life and in everything I do. so I hope that the Lord will be pleased with Charm and I.

results are coming out soon. either monday or friday. if you ask me how I'm feeling about it, I'll tell you to ask me the night before. I'm numb at the moment, no expectations.. ok maybe I hope for a single digit, not anxious or nervous. I will go where the Lord takes me...(hopefully without grumbles and grudges). Vank, Mel and I made an agreement. If we don't do well.... Vank will cut her hair short, I will pierce my ears and mel will shave her legs. haha. soon after the words came out of our mouths we started to regret saying it already. too late! no backing out! well if u see me with pierced ears you know what happened. :)

Romans 8

2005-02-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

Romans 8: 35-39

35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
37No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through Him who loved us.
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

God's love for us is unchanging, everlasting, ever protecting. His love is perfect. This song reflects all my thoughts. I first heard it in Batam, during the saturday worship. Can't really remember the words but here goes anyway.

I have known the Father's Love for me,
He's been good, He's been good
Through it all,
He's always there for me,
God's been good to me.

When I look around, and I search deeper, I know God has been truly truly good to me. yet, here I am complaining about my life, the smallest discomforts. I've been spoilt rotten and I don't even know it. haha. Too protected, too secure in my own private world. And now God is trying to teach me to rely solely on Him, to put my trust in Him. And it hurts, it really does. but then I am reminded that He will not put us through any trial or temptation that we will not be able to endure. That's a Father's love.

Should I go back for GB or go for SFC? My thinking is that I should go GB, shall ask for God's guidance abt it though.